Chancellor and technological masochist Becky Blank announced that UW-Madison’s Student Center will not be getting the back button that’s so highly sought after by the student body.
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Peter Pan, permanently age 10, was picked up by police around 3:30 a.m. Saturday outside a U.S. Naval facility in Maryland and charged with first degree criminal trespassing.
In a slightly annoyed state Monday night, area-man Luke Bauer reached into his pocket and discovered that, yet again, his Bose earbuds had twisted themselves into an intricate knot.The incident—which really wasn’t a big deal—caused Bauer to sigh heavily and yank on random parts of the wire.“The entire sight was pretty relatable,” said local witness George Hartin. “I’ve been there, and lemme tell ya, it ever so slightly makes your day worse.”Bauer untangled the knot in the amount of time one might expect when doing this type of activity, but discovered one of the little rubber headphone covers was missing.The Bose “FreeStyle” earbuds advertise “tangle-free” technology or your money back. This imperceptibly annoyed man might take that offer, or he may not, since the whole ordeal really wasn’t that much of an inconvenience.After the headphone cord was de-coiled, a slightly brightening Bauer flipped through his array of cringey 90s rock and settled on Nickelback—a classic for the now-cheery man.“There really is nothing better than listening to Chad Kroeger’s raspy voice after an experience like reaching into your pocket and finding a mangled mess of wires,” Bauer said.Bauer was later seen taping part of the wire that had become frayed, causing the previously happy man to become even more ticked off at the small, annoying things in his otherwise amazing life.
Mathew Leedom, an engineer at the Wisconsin General Electric factory, developed a fully-functional bubbling drinking fountain Monday night, giving validity to the well-known “bubbler,” a slang term used to describe the hydrating machine.A 15-year veteran with GE, Leedom decided to develop the blueprint for the machine after a debate with an out-of-state coworker about the proper name for the device. Despite the lack of bubbling occurring in any of the fountains, Leedom refused to do away with the name bubbler and instead created the new “Lambo 5000” bubbling drinking fountain.The project cost approximately $5 million to prototype with an estimated 50 employees working around the clock. A shining example of poor money allocation, Leedom has not expressed any remorse for his actions.Cardinal reporters sat down with Leedom to discuss the invention:“I wanted to make a bubbler that dispensed both cool, refreshing water as well as cold-hard revenge. Does this look like a fountain to you? Does it have Greek gods urinating into a pool? No, it does not, which is why it’s called a bubbler.”The bubbles come in different shades including green, yellow and a combination of green and yellow. They serve no purpose besides comforting a stubborn man’s ego and delighting some dehydrated passersby.Across the front of the machine there is a large sign disclaiming “This bubbler is funded by General Electric, proudly denying any affiliation with water fountains, drinking fountains and any other demented abomination of a name that you out-of-state fools can think of.”At press time, Leedom was constructing a new type of cheese curd to further establish Wisconsin traditions in common culture.
Late Tuesday night the famous Schoolhouse Rock song “I’m Just a Bill” was played in the Oval office for President Trump following the 10th executive order signed since his recent inauguration.White House staff members explained to reporters that although it seems Trump has ignored the legislative branch recently, it just comes down to a basic misunderstanding of the entire Democratic process.“Of course I know what checks and balances are” said Trump after being asked some basic political questions by Cardinal reporters on the scene. “I haven’t had to balance a checkbook since the third grade.”The informative video played for the President explains the long process a bill takes before it becomes a law through a series of heartwarming melodies and adorable cartoons.After some coaxing from White House staff members, President Trump sat down with Vice President Pence, cracked a beer, and watched as the little animated bill sing its way through the house and senate.Every few seconds, the newly elected president would pause the tape and ask a question, such as “Is the Capitol hill an actual hill?” or “Is that bill what Crooked Hillary’s husband looks like?”After the song ended, the President tweeted out “@SchoolhouseRock is #FakeNews. Shit animation to further big government’s propaganda.”
In a recent report by the center for climate change, Mother Earth is one smoking hot planet who just gets even hotter every decade.The all-knowing mysterious woman follows a strict tanning regimen at all times, bathing in the sun’s rays and rubbing a unique combination of Dove’s new “CO2 unleashed” tanning lotion as well as L’Oréal’s Ozone explosion moisturizer.
1. The Eggs
FIRE ANT AT A GLANCE:
1. “Why so Syrian?”
Rapper Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., best known for his stage name “Lil Wayne,” went through a miraculous transformation into a perfectly normal and healthy sized teen Monday night.
I was at the Ohio State football game last week and this asshole of an animal, the Gerenuk, was just blatantly blocking my view. I tried to get him to move, but this big-necked prick just turned around, chewed some leaves and dropped a big poop on my bench. “Jump Around” was difficult to say the least…
The Modern Language Association announced their hip “Times Old Roman” font to appeal to a younger audience, a change which outraged professors and old stubborn writers everywhere.
Mathew Grimes, a delightful little freshman, ordered a single marijuana from a dealer last Friday night in an attempt to really take his dorm party to the next level.
1. “E.T. bone gnome.”
Following the iPhone 7’s Sept. 7 release, rumors have already surfaced that the iPhone 7s will lack a battery or any form of electronic capability.
“Don’t smile because it’s over. Cry because it happened.”
1. Actually visit Cleveland, Ohio
PHYSICAL TRAITS: Not a whole lot going on. Very concerned with size but has a confident belief that he’s definitly not small.
PHYSICAL TRAITS: A big, beautiful, bountiful and bodacious bald head, beady little eyes.
Locksmith extraordinaire and aspiring romantic Gunnar Humboldt misplaced the key to his wife’s heart last night causing a rift in their relationship.