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Thursday, February 02, 2023
Solenopsis invicta - fire ant worker
Portrait of a red imported fire ant, Solenopsis invicta. This species arrived to the southeastern United States from South America in the 1930s. Specimen from Brackenridge Field Laboratory, Austin, Texas, USA. Public domain image by Alex Wild, produced by the University of Texas "Insects Unlocked" program.

almanac animal review: fire ant

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.


PHYSICAL TRAITS: Super horny, very small (like really really small), has two seemingly pointless limbs on its face.

CAREER GOALS: Eventually bang the queen, in the future bump uglies with the queen, reproduce with the queen, spread his genes through the queen.

PRIMARY FLAWS: Only cares about work and hooking up wth the queen, can potentially be squashed by almost any human being.

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Super romantic, able to lift something 20 times his body weight, has two limbs on his head which are seemingly useless but are actually very important.

PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Almost everywhere, in a mound of dirt, wherever he is able to reproduce.


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Back in my clubbing days I used to be a wingman for this incredible insect called a fire ant. He embraced his heritage and named himself “Hella Lit” in honor of his species. I decided to review this party animal for old times’ sake... and because I recently stepped on him, crushing him instantly and smearing his body over the sidewalk like a morbid painting.

Hella Lit was a recluse, only coming out of hiding to walk aimlessly in various yards and vie for the affection of the local queen fire ant. Unfortunately for my horny little friend, the queen had her pick of over 250,000 ants. Despite his odds, Hella Lit used his vast romantic skills to push the boundaries of courtship—but to no avail.

A fire ant queen doesn’t believe in contraception, so she lays over 1,000 eggs per day. This baby-making machine is normally much larger than normal worker ants and frequently develops wings to fly to her next hookup and prevent snuggle time with all the tiny little worker ants. Hella Lit was one of these lucky guys on Nov. 13, 2016, and had the greatest 4.6 seconds an ant could ask for.

Hella Lit’s home is in southern Illinois with hundreds of thousands of roommates. He decided to make his home in the classic style of his culture: a massive, disgusting mound of dirt. The mound is currently doing quite well, but Lit always tells anyone interested about the great sprinkling accident of ’92.

In his free time, my friend always used to enter strength competitions. Fire ants can lift close to 20 times their body weight, which isn’t very impressive since they’re the size of a peanut. I could lift a peanut when I was like, five days old. I was still defecating in my pants and developing teeth yet little baby Noah could still crush  Hella Lit in a weightlifting competition… Pathetic.

It just occurred to me this review has been a stream of consciousness rather than an actual review. Weird, eh? My consciousness streams quite a bit. I wonder if I have ADD or something. Maybe… but I also haven’t eaten much today and my mind tends to wander when that kinda thing happens.

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