THE BEET

UW-Madison behind on internet bill as result of Republican budget cuts

By Omar Waheed | Sep. 13

Recent budget cuts have caused the University of Wisconsin-Madison to fall behind on its internet bill, according to Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin.

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THE BEET

Hey Morgan! I got kicked out of school my freshman year but never told my parents. They’ve been sending me tuition money for the last five years and are asking when I’m going to graduate. What should I do?

By Morgan McCormack | Sep. 7

Identity theft is easier than you think.

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THE BEET

Hey Morgan! My parents are really bugging me to get a job next semester, but it seems like too much work with all the classes I’m taking. What do I do to get them off my back?

By Morgan McCormack | Sep. 7

Find "experience" and make it sound important.

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THE BEET

Civil rights activist Robin Vos continues fight to end racism

By Omar Waheed | Sep. 7

 How much time do you want for your progress? The time is now,” Vos said passionately. “I have a dream.” 

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THE BEET

Hey, Morgan! I live with my boyfriend, but when we go home to his family, they won’t let us sleep in the same room. What should I do?

By Morgan McCormack | Apr. 28

My answer is tunnels.

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THE BEET

Hey, Morgan! My older sister is really annoying me. She’s obviously my parents' favorite and I can’t take it anymore. What should I do?

By Morgan McCormack | Apr. 25

Eliminate the competition and your parents will have to make you the favorite.

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THE BEET

Hey, Morgan! All my friends went abroad to London this semester, and I’m super lonely. What should I do?

By Morgan McCormack | Apr. 21

What does London have? Big Ben? As someone with a clock in their pocket, I am not impressed.

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THE BEET

Hey, Morgan! I’ve been talking to this guy for a while, but I don’t know if he really likes me. What should I do?

By Morgan McCormack | Apr. 19

He’ll learn to love you when you start dating, but getting your foot in the door with psychological manipulation is the important step.

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THE BEET

Daily Cardinal office in dire straits after losing communal napkin

By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 9

The loss of the napkin — believed to be circa 1987 — is perhaps the biggest issue the 130-year-old newspaper has ever faced.

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THE BEET

How to water a beet for world domination

By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 8

The transition to a new editor may result in a bit of an awkward phase, but have no fear — as long as people still have thoughts and feelings, The Beet isn’t going anywhere.

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THE BEET

‘Everything deserves a place in the marketplace of ideas,’ said self-described moderate food critic before eating entire bowl of cat piss, shit

By Jeffrey Brown | Dec. 7

“I want to clarify that I did not enjoy eating this bowl of cat feces, but I did eat it in its entirety because that is the respectful thing to do,” the critic concluded.

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THE BEET

UW-Madison loses entire student body for upcoming semester after Course Search and Enroll crashes

By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 6, 2022

The troublesome glitch could potentially be attributed to the fact that the app is run by literal  zoo animals.

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THE BEET

Commenter posts take on current situation

By Jeffrey Brown | Dec. 5, 2022

"What you misunderstand is that I'm really stupid." 

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THE BEET

Jon Eckhardt receives wellness check after not emailing entire campus for one goddamn day

By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 2, 2022

Eckhardt, who is rumored to also be a professor, is known for hits such as “Important message from Professor Eckhardt,” “Important followup from Professor Eckhardt” and the highly touted “A quick followup from Professor Eckhardt.”

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THE BEET

Elon Musk: ‘My number one rule is to be explosive’

By Jeffrey Brown | Nov. 30, 2022

In the wake of purchasing Twitter, the eccentric billionaire opens up about his philosophy as CEO.

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THE BEET

Trump says ‘Make America Green Again’

By Ace Filter | Nov. 29, 2022

Trump makes the surprising announcement that he’ll be running for president again — this time as part of the Green Party.

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THE BEET

Coach Fickell immediately gains 50 pounds after accepting Wisconsin job

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 28, 2022

With the 2021 National Coach of the Year in the dairy state, Wisconsin businesses are rallying to ensure that Fickell will have no choice but to stay long term or be airlifted to a healthier location.