THE BEET

Planned Parenthood protestors begin picketing hospital rooms of childhood cancer patients instead of reproductive clinics

By Mackenzie Moore | Jul. 1

“We realized that our favorite part was creating fear in the vulnerable,” said one picketer. 

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Supreme Court rules themselves emperors of the United States

By Jeffrey Brown | Jun. 27

Don’t worry — the Democrats have everything under control.

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THE BEET

Majority of Supreme Court justices verified to be musty cow urine personified

By Mackenzie Moore | Jun. 24

 Ironically, these justices peaked when they were just a twinkle in their fathers’ eyes. 

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THE BEET

Other queer identities to recognize this pride month

By Jeffrey Brown | Jun. 22

There is a whole alphabet of wonderful people who you should be celebrating this pride.

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THE BEET

Tempting Fate

By Anupras Mohapatra | Jun. 20

I had the best intentions, but does that matter?

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THE BEET

Democrats struggle for bipartisan support on gun reform bill

By Jeffrey Brown | Jun. 17

The lack of action proposed in the new bill remains too big of a commitment.  

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THE BEET

Wisconsinites flee to nearest bar as tornado looms

By Mackenzie Moore | Jun. 16

Wisconsin bars contain all of the necessities needed to ride out a severe storm.

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THE BEET

Freshman year essentials

By Mackenzie Moore | Jun. 10

You don’t have to learn the hard way.

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Black mold, other dangers ‘part of the college experience’

By Mackenzie Moore | Jun. 9

Freshmen, keep in mind that you will develop in such a way that things you once found revolting will simply become “silly.”

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THE BEET

Six things you need to know to be safe around Bucky

By Jeffrey Brown | Jun. 6

 I’ve had to learn the hard way, but you don’t have to.

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THE BEET

Stolen Memorial Union Terrace chair snitch to be banned from all neighborhood barbecues, sources of joy

By Mackenzie Moore | Jun. 2

The now-ostracized neighbor was known to bring extra wet coleslaw in a poorly-sealed Ziploc sandwich bag to each neighborhood gathering. 

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THE BEET

Re-naming the animals at Henry Vilas Zoo: Bornean orangutan

By Mackenzie Moore | Jun. 1

Orangutans look like hairy, chubby, balding middle-aged men who sit on recliners wearing nothing but tighty whities all day. 

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THE BEET

Man trying to stop more children from being shot ‘A sick son of a bitch’

By Mackenzie Moore | May. 27

Won’t someone think of the politicians?

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THE BEET

God revokes thumb privileges

By Jeffrey Brown | May. 25

“What the fuck, y’all?”

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THE BEET

Lorne Michaels fires entire cast, will turn ‘Saturday Night Live’ into one man show

By Mackenzie Moore | May. 23

“Live from New York — I’m Lorne Michaels, and you’re not.” 

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THE BEET

What you need to know about new UW-Madison chancellor-designee Jennifer Mnookin

By Mackenzie Moore | May. 18

Hunka hunka.

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THE BEET

New Glarus experiencing increase in real estate demand after out-of-state parents visit for graduation

By Mackenzie Moore | May. 16

 In the last two days, Zillow searches for homes in the New Glarus area have skyrocketed over 2,000%.