THE BEET

Elon Musk announces Tesla cruise ship

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 18

Very real technology ensures that the passenger liner will be unsinkable, says Musk. 

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THE BEET

Trump announces presidential bid in effort to steal more classified documents

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 16

 Former president anxious about content in White House documents, no longer singing “Cats” soundtrack on toilet.

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THE BEET

World just waiting for World War III to start already

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 15

After years of waiting for worldwide tension to reach its boiling point, it may be time to throw the macaroni in. 

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THE BEET

Kari Lake blames slow vote count on old looking babies

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 14

The Arizona gubernatorial candidate claims poll workers are letting some babies vote, mistaking them for the elderly.

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THE BEET

Mushroom trip inspires man to go into accounting

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10

“The soil … it provides nutrients to the trees. The trees grow apples … during the trip I thought the red M&M and his family were stuck, but anyway —”

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THE BEET

Anti-weed politicians can’t relate to feeling connected to others, genuinely smiling

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10

“I didn’t even feel that way when Hurricane Sandy hit New York City,” scoffed a perturbed Mitch McConnell. 

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THE BEET

Local mom distraught after reading favorite salad dressing laced with fentanyl

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10

 The fear mongering post has already received over 4,000 shares.

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THE BEET

Evers wins reelection after giving underage students alcohol, fun drugs

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 9

Critics argue that Evers alienated voters who don’t unwind by sipping on a Smirnoff and boofing cocaine.

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THE BEET

Thirty percent of polling stations located in sewers on other side of town

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 8

The increase is directly correlated with rising public uproar over gerrymandering.

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THE BEET

McDonald’s nearing end of 41-year-old McRib supply

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 2

The last chance to buy the never-frozen sandwich is Nov. 24. 

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THE BEET

Local stoner finds candy in his drugs

By Jeffrey Brown | Nov. 1

Madison drug community shocked by dangerous and unexpected candy.

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THE BEET

Obama uses Milwaukee rally to test new stand up material, special to stream on Netflix

By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 31

With only a week left before his poorly-timed taping, Americans are hoping Obama won’t drop yet another bomb.

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THE BEET

Serial killer arrives to next murder, is frustrated to realize he only has a paring knife

By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 27

“Darn it — I’m such a putz.”

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THE BEET

Abortion hypocrisy strikes Tim Michels campaign

By Jeffrey Brown | Oct. 26

New leak reveals the Republican candidate for governor is not immune from widespread GOP abortion hypocrisy.

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THE BEET

Comedic actor Matt Walsh confused, anguished to hear he caused controversy on UW-Madison campus

By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 25

The “Veep” actor and Emmy nominee is desperately trying to amend his wrongs — all while figuring out what his wrongs were in the first place.

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THE BEET

Matt Walsh asks to only be challenged using his own opinions (this is the satire page)

By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 24

Ahead of his controversial campus appearance, the right-wing commentator requires that he’s only debated using his own sources.

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THE BEET

Pelosi says she doesn’t regret threatening to punch Mother Teresa: ‘I’d still do it’

By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 19

"I’d ream her so bad she’d be sent to a layer of Hell that Satan himself hasn’t visited since the eighties,” said the grandmother of nine.