The Beet

Daily Cardinal office in dire straits after losing communal napkin

By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 9

The loss of the napkin — believed to be circa 1987 — is perhaps the biggest issue the 130-year-old newspaper has ever faced.

How to water a beet for world domination

By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 8

‘Everything deserves a place in the marketplace of ideas,’ said self-described moderate food critic before eating entire bowl of cat piss, shit

By Jeffrey Brown | Dec. 7

More The Beet

THE BEET

UW-Madison loses entire student body for upcoming semester after Course Search and Enroll crashes

By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 6

The troublesome glitch could potentially be attributed to the fact that the app is run by literal zoo animals.

THE BEET

Commenter posts take on current situation

By Jeffrey Brown | Dec. 5

"What you misunderstand is that I'm really stupid."

THE BEET

Jon Eckhardt receives wellness check after not emailing entire campus for one goddamn day

By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 2

Eckhardt, who is rumored to also be a professor, is known for hits such as “Important message from Professor Eckhardt,” “Important followup from Professor Eckhardt” and the highly touted “A quick followup from Professor Eckhardt.”

THE BEET

Elon Musk: ‘My number one rule is to be explosive’

By Jeffrey Brown | Nov. 30

In the wake of purchasing Twitter, the eccentric billionaire opens up about his philosophy as CEO.

THE BEET

Trump says ‘Make America Green Again’

By Ace Filter | Nov. 29

Trump makes the surprising announcement that he’ll be running for president again — this time as part of the Green Party.

THE BEET

Coach Fickell immediately gains 50 pounds after accepting Wisconsin job

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 28

With the 2021 National Coach of the Year in the dairy state, Wisconsin businesses are rallying to ensure that Fickell will have no choice but to stay long term or be airlifted to a healthier location.

THE BEET

Elon Musk announces Tesla cruise ship

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 18

Very real technology ensures that the passenger liner will be unsinkable, says Musk.

THE BEET

Trump announces presidential bid in effort to steal more classified documents

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 16

Former president anxious about content in White House documents, no longer singing “Cats” soundtrack on toilet.

THE BEET

World just waiting for World War III to start already

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 15

After years of waiting for worldwide tension to reach its boiling point, it may be time to throw the macaroni in.

THE BEET

Kari Lake blames slow vote count on old looking babies

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 14

The Arizona gubernatorial candidate claims poll workers are letting some babies vote, mistaking them for the elderly.

THE BEET

Mushroom trip inspires man to go into accounting

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 10

“The soil … it provides nutrients to the trees. The trees grow apples … during the trip I thought the red M&M and his family were stuck, but anyway —”