THE BEET

NFTs are valuable now and I’m too dumb to understand it

By Jeffrey Brown | May. 12

“These technological doodads are just too sophisticated for my itty bitty noggin.”

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THE BEET

Texas bans left-handed athletes due to ‘unfair advantage’

By Jeffrey Brown | May. 11

America’s youth are being indoctrinated, says Texas’ Governor Abbott.

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THE BEET

Local mom considering sending a message by regifting candles back to children

By Mackenzie Moore | May. 10

“There is more to my personality than a functioning nose and the belief that the good smells are better than the bad ones.”

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THE BEET

Finals guide spring 2022

By Mackenzie Moore | May. 9

So, you didn’t fill out your course evaluation survey — you’re safe here.

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THE BEET

Pro-life politicians vote to bomb Middle Eastern orphanage

By Mackenzie Moore | May. 6

When asked to explain his vote, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said, it's "next to impossible to make a Middle Eastern child grow up to be an oil lobbyist for the United States."

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THE BEET

Local white boy checks into rehab for addiction to AAVE

By Jeffrey Brown | May. 5

The flaw can likely be at least partially attributed to being a Ye fan.

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THE BEET

New state street bar music restrictions stir up controversy

By Will Franken | May. 4

Some patrons are angered by the lack of Fox News and Morgan Wallen playing in the establishment.

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THE BEET

Mrs. Butterworth’s announces line of new syrup options

By Jeffrey Brown | May. 3

The new lineup includes collaborations with Jack Daniels and Chips Ahoy.

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THE BEET

Police horse checked into rehab after working Mifflin

By Mackenzie Moore | May. 2

The officer was intoxicated after accidentally drinking from puddles of poured out liquor.

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THE BEET

Daily Cardinal daddy issues poll 2022

By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 29

“I don’t know of a single journalist that’s well adjusted.”

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THE BEET

Actually news: The Almanac is now officially 'The Beet'

By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 28

The founders of The Onion, who are Cardinal alumni, are allowed to beat me up.

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THE BEET

The Democrats have negotiated away the gays

By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 27

The move has been lauded by political leaders as a win for both sides.

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THE BEET

Elon Musk buys Twitter, complains about Dollar Tree price hike

By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 26

The soaring price of Milk Duds left Musk’s “boner killed” and his night ruined.

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THE BEET

Mortician finds dead bodies 'absolutely repulsive'

By Will Franken | Apr. 25

The Janesville mortician is motivated by how disgusting corpses are before being prepared.

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THE BEET

A new Democratic platform

By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 25

No matter how far right the Republican party goes, I vow to remain in the middle.

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THE BEET

Regular Twitter use found to cause brain damage

By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 22

The social media platform is not worth the brain rot.

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THE BEET

Texas to remove history from curriculum due to inclusion of information

By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 22

State officials are ensuring that students are proud of Texas and the United States by giving them as little access to historical facts as possible.