Top nine things you can do to repay your debt to Harambe the great:

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

1. Actually visit Cleveland, Ohio

2. Spit on your local zookeeper

3. Put your child in the nearest pit to honor Harambe

4. Slowly evolve back into a gorilla

5. At 12:07 stand 42 degrees away

from the sun and shed one tear

6. Try adding kale to your favorite soup

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7. Kiss your nearest gorilla

8. Leave the EU

9. Prove Bush did it

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Hey, Morgan! I live with my boyfriend, but when we go home to his family, they won’t let us sleep in the same room. What should I do?

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Hey, Morgan! All my friends went abroad to London this semester, and I’m super lonely. What should I do?

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