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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, February 02, 2023

Report: Mother Earth just getting hotter with age

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a recent report by the center for climate change, Mother Earth is one smoking hot planet who just gets even hotter every decade.
The all-knowing mysterious woman follows a strict tanning regimen at all times, bathing in the sun’s rays and rubbing a unique combination of Dove’s new “CO2 unleashed” tanning lotion as well as L’Oréal’s Ozone explosion moisturizer.

“Dedication to becoming as hot as possible is really more of a lifestyle than anything” said Mother Earth, aka Momma E. “So many people are set on reducing their girth but I find that my 24,901-mile waistline is perfectly natural for a gravitationally confident woman such as myself.”

Meteorologist Dick Johnson expressed his excitement with the breaking news.

“Well-aged like a fine bottle of Pinot Grigio, Mother Earth just keeps getting more and more blisteringly hot. Damn, I’m getting worked up just thinking about it,” said a noticeably flushed Johnson.
Some naysayers deny her sexy progression. Among these is Butch Skynard, an Alabama resident who manages the largest trailer park in the state. 

“Everybody says she’s some beauty now, but there’s no way she’s hotter than she was before. Now I’m not saying she’s not hot, but come on now, you can’t possibly get hotter with age,” said Skynard, spitting a huge wad of chewing tobacco.
Mother Earth also went on record to state that her steady increase in temperature has had positive effects on her personal life as well. 

“I used to be a lame duck in the bedroom, but after taking some notes from my good friend Barack, I’m able to utilize my hotness to a much larger extent.”
At press time, Father Time was considering asking Mother Nature to help him get rid of some pesky wrinkles that have bothered him for the past few millennia.

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