Almanac Animal Review: Atretochoana eiselti

Atretochoana eiselti at a glance:

PHYSICAL TRAITS: Not a whole lot going on. Very concerned with size but has a confident belief that he’s definitly not small.

CAREER GOALS: Eventually have the ability to do see, smell, walk, pick things up and hear things.

PRIMARY FLAWS: Has little to no motivation. Skin is thoroughly wrinkled and disgusting.

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Has an uncanny ability to function despite posessing only one of the five senses.

PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Honestly, who cares?


During one of my many morning constitutionals to the Oval Office (most people call it a toilet) an alarming thing happened. One of my body parts, which shall remain nameless, just kind of popped off and looked at me. I decided to review this gorgeous new species after spending a few months with it, naming it an Atretochoana eiselti after my best friend.

The Atretochoana eiselti is a shriveled, wormlike creature that possesses no gender or reproductive organs. It also has no lungs, legs, arms, eyes, ears, nose and generally just no face. It lacks personality or purpose and has no motivation to do anything in life ever. 

This “man-aconda” loves to describe itself through a series of descriptions about height and posture. This particular Atretochoana eiselti is self proclaimed “above average” in height and build. I questioned it further and asked what the average height of an Atretochoana eiselti is, but only got a brief “definitely smaller than me, I can tell you that much” in response to the offensive question.

After this species became more popular, people started referencing it in everyday insults. Certain insults such as “Eat an Atretochoana eiselti”  became common and even encouraged. Some people find these insults to be vulgar and obnoxious, but I for one find them informative and educational.

After a few minutes of half-assed thought, I came to a score of 8/10. It’s pretty good I guess. I kind of miss being able to urinate to be honest. Still though, it’s kind of a cool animal.

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