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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, February 02, 2023

Lil Wayne finally matures into teenage-sized ‘Medium Wayne’

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Rapper Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., best known for his stage name “Lil Wayne,” went through a miraculous transformation into a perfectly normal and healthy sized teen Monday night.

 “Medium Wayne is really just the new me now” said Carter to a sea of reporters. “It just felt like time to grow up and become a man singing about man things like dating girls and disobeying parents. I might even smoke a cigarette behind the pool of my mansion tonight. My parents would hate that with a passion.”

The transformation hasn’t been all fun and games for Carter. Acne has been a real challenge for the young 34-year-old man. “I use five creams a day. You know what they say, five creams a day keeps the icky skin at bay,” said the growing boy, scratching the whiskers sprouting on his face.

Carter isn’t alone when it comes to late maturation of rappers. Musical talents such as Lil Jon, Lil Dicky and Lil Yachty are all waiting to leave their pre-pubescent years. Most are expected to be able to develop into teenage by the end of their lives but few will grow fully and reach adulthood.

Cardinal reporters sat down with Hannah Roberts, a doctor specializing in rapper puberty, to discuss the history of this tragic phenomenon gripping the music industry lately.

“In all my years as a doctor I have only seen a handful of rappers make it to adulthood. The first case I ever saw was the young man named Biggie from the West Coast … or was it the East Coast … I don’t remember, but anyway he died shortly after from complications involving his midlife crisis.”

Medium Wayne hopes to really push the boundaries with his new album coming out “eventually” with reassurance to his fans that he “will get to it eventually, God.”

At press time, people from other professions were coming forward, including Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson who really hopes to one day become a boulder.

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