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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, June 27, 2022

By creating new bubbling drinking machine, smartass Wisconsinite proves point

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Mathew Leedom, an engineer at the Wisconsin General Electric factory, developed a fully-functional bubbling drinking fountain Monday night, giving validity to the well-known “bubbler,” a slang term used to describe the hydrating machine.
A 15-year veteran with GE, Leedom decided to develop the blueprint for the machine after a debate with an out-of-state coworker about the proper name for the device. Despite the lack of bubbling occurring in any of the fountains, Leedom refused to do away with the name bubbler and instead created the new “Lambo 5000” bubbling drinking fountain.
The project cost approximately $5 million to prototype with an estimated 50 employees working around the clock. A shining example of poor money allocation, Leedom has not expressed any remorse for his actions.
Cardinal reporters sat down with Leedom to discuss the invention:
“I wanted to make a bubbler that dispensed both cool, refreshing water as well as cold-hard revenge. Does this look like a fountain to you? Does it have Greek gods urinating into a pool? No, it does not, which is why it’s called a bubbler.”
The bubbles come in different shades including green, yellow and a combination of green and yellow. They serve no purpose besides comforting a stubborn man’s ego and delighting some dehydrated passersby.
Across the front of the machine there is a large sign disclaiming “This bubbler is funded by General Electric, proudly denying any affiliation with water fountains, drinking fountains and any other demented abomination of a name that you out-of-state fools can think of.”
At press time, Leedom was constructing a new type of cheese curd to further establish Wisconsin traditions in common culture.

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