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Friday, June 24, 2022
Becky Blank’s newest proposal for a button to be put in place of the standard browser back button.

Becky Blank’s newest proposal for a button to be put in place of the standard browser back button.

Back button for UW Student Center ‘never gonna happen’ according to Chancellor Rebecca Blank

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Chancellor and technological masochist Becky Blank announced that UW-Madison’s Student Center will not be getting the back button that’s so highly sought after by the student body.

The announcement occurred following this year’s class registration, a gruelingly long process made radically worse by the website’s complete lack of features or any semblance of sense.

“I tried to add Econ 101 to my schedule for next semester but accidently hit Ecology 101. When I tried to just go back to the last page, like any other website on the internet, I couldn’t find that leftward arrow. Like, come on… I’m in a computer science class right now and I think I could probably code in a quick little back arrow within a couple hours, it ain’t hard,” said freshman Connie Johnson.

Stories similar to Connie’s aren’t unique. Students across campus have felt the effects of the horribly designed website for years with no help from university staff. Chancellor Blank sat down with Cardinal reporters to discuss the possibility of changing her mind and maybe adding something, anything, to improve this god-awful website.

“Absolutely never gonna happen. Not now, not ever. Our motto is ‘On Wisconsin’, we don’t look back,” said Blank. “The student center builds character; back buttons just make you soft.”

New iterations of the website are in the works however, and could mean some quality of life improvements for students, according to Blank.

“Big things are coming. BIG THINGS. But let me be very clear about this: a back button will unquestionably not be one of those big things. Comprende?”

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