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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 18, 2024

The Almanac Presents: Misheard Quotes

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The Almanac Presents: 

Misheard Quotes

“Don’t smile because it’s over. Cry because it happened.”

-Akron head coach

“The only thing you have to fear is a beer bookshelf.” 

-Frank “Big D” Roosevelt

“I don’t remember 100 percent of the shots I took.”

-Frat dude

“With a great shower comes great sterility.”

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-Squeaky clean man in cape

“Give me Hillary or give me meth.”

-Most Californians

“Houston, you look like Gollum.”

-UW offensive coordinator

“Mama said, ‘Life is like a box

of chocolates.’ Fuck you, 

mom...”

-Son

“I love the smell of my palm

in the morning.”

-My roommate

“If you’re going through hell,

keep blowing.”

-Fat British Cigar lover

“Crack has some positive feedback.”

-My dealer

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