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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, March 29, 2024
An image of Peter Pan in 2017. Pan and six of his gang, the Lost Boys, were arrested and charged with criminal trespassing Saturday.

An image of Peter Pan in 2017. Pan and six of his gang, the Lost Boys, were arrested and charged with criminal trespassing Saturday.

Peter Pan arrested by police, charged with criminal trespassing

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Peter Pan, permanently age 10, was picked up by police around 3:30 a.m. Saturday outside a U.S. Naval facility in Maryland and charged with first degree criminal trespassing.

Pan, notorious for his agelessness and care-free attitude, has racked up an astounding number of charges in the 32 years since he left Neverland. Vandalism, disorderly conduct, assault and even drug trafficking are just a small portion of the mischievous boy’s extensive criminal record.

Local police have also had problems with Pan, including Baltimore Police Commissioner Kevin Davis, who had a run-in with the boy just last week.

“I dispatched a team to deal with a report of underage drinking. Pan and his group of ‘lost boys’ were drinking grog from a barrel in a public park, claiming pirate law permitted them to do so,” said Davis. “We’ve never been able to get him, because he always flies just out of reach.”

Protesters of the nationally publicized arrest voiced their opinion Monday night in the form of a widespread “Save Pan” T-shirt campaign. The shirts depict a flying Peter Pan holding a can of Pepsi—a manifestation of the cola company’s recent approach to activism. The protests put massive pressure on the jury, leading to Pan’s acquittal.

The boy was released Tuesday morning after Pan’s lawyer claimed he should be charged as a minor, claiming ignorance of the law and lack of parental supervision were responsible for the delinquent behavior. All charges against the defendant were dropped.

“I never wanna grow up,” said Pan. “The last lost boy to grow up was Johnny Manziel, and look what happened to him…”

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