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(10/14/14 2:36am)
Eyy freshmen, you’re over a month into this whole college thing and if you’re reading this, chances are you haven’t dropped out yet--so congrats! There is however, another issue at hand: You’re quickly turning into a wittle homesick baby. It’s OK to be homesick. It’s just part of the whole getting acclimated to life without mommy doing everything for you phase. WRONG. See, that was a trick so all you weaklings would let down your guard and admit to missing the ol’ homefront. Homesickness is a disease that will keep people in your dorm farther away from you than open cold sores. If you want to ride with the big dogs here at college, but there’s something--oh, I don’t know, say mommy’s chicken pot pie--that is making you miss those classic high school days, get this through your stupid thumbsucking skull: Only the loseriest of the losers feel homesick. Luckily for all you nimrods thinking about hopping on a Megabus this weekend, Almanac has compiled an exhaustive motivational pamphlet to keep your ass anchored in Witte until Thanksgiving.
(10/07/14 3:37am)
Isn’t it kind of weird to know that there are so many variables in the world we can’t really, with absolute certainty, say will turn out OK? Most of our lives our spent in an idle headspace. We get up in the morning, do a few things and then go to bed at night. But we never expect that BIG THING everyone’s always talking about to just come to a head.
(09/30/14 3:18am)
It’s never too early to start formulating a plan for after you graduate. Lucky for you, Almanac has compiled all you need to know into one handy place. So whether you’re a senior eager to join the impenetrable workforce or an infant who just knows it’s best to develop crippling anxiety about the future sooner rather than later, your answers are here.
(09/23/14 2:01am)
Here are answers to all your questions about Wisconsin’s candidates for governor, such as “Which candidate will institute a police state?” and “Can we trust these insipid talking heads?”
(09/18/14 4:16am)
In a lawsuit that is sure to draw national headlines before it’s over, the Platteville, Wisconsin Bitcoin Assembly is trying to sue the Professional Women’s Bowling Association out of their coveted acronym, PWBA.
(09/11/14 5:13am)
During the silent, transitional hours between Wednesday night and Thursday morning, father of three, influential actor and flamboyant racist, Hugh G. A. Hole, passed away—leaving behind a nation of heartbroken fans.
(04/15/14 3:02am)
Look at her lying, scrunch-supine—
(03/11/14 5:20am)
These lines find nothing about graduation ceremonies nostalgic
(03/06/14 8:07am)
The University of Wisconsin-Madison’s student government, the Associated Students of Madison, was pleased to report a record turnout for their most recent election period, which concluded Wednesday evening. A whopping 14 people decided to “show their true badger” by rocking the vote.
(03/06/14 4:36am)
Bandcamp.com might be my favorite website. In its version of a free market music economy—which is free to use, requires no subscription and lets anyone upload music—objectively superior music rises to the top of the pool, as popularity is controlled entirely by listeners, not big-time record labels. Every week I scour this site, looking for not-yet-famous artists making stellar sounds. Here are some of my favorite new releases.
(02/18/14 5:51am)
Bandcamp.com might be my favorite website. In its version of a free market music economy—which is free to use, requires no subscription and lets anyone upload music—objectively superior music rises to the top of the pool, as popularity is controlled entirely by listeners, not big-time record labels. Every week I scour this site, looking for not-yet-famous artists making stellar sounds. Here are some of my favorite new releases:
(02/18/14 5:24am)
Last time, I shared a story about my bizarre encounter with a scary-drunk dude named Dartanian. For scary story time this week, I’m moving the setting to Madison.
(02/06/14 7:29am)
University of Wisconsin-Madison students absolutely can’t wait for the completion of the various high-rise apartment complexes currently under construction in the campus area.
(02/04/14 6:00am)
Whoa, this is my first column of the semester. For the three of you who remember me and might be wondering, not much has changed.
(01/30/14 5:06am)
Wednesday, 19-year-old pop star Justin Bieber asked society as a whole to “Please, just piss off.”
(12/05/13 6:58am)
This is my last column of 2013. Instead of reflecting on the semester, getting all gooey thinking about stories even my mom refuses to read, I wanted to go out with a bang. So, I tried to come up with the perfect column concept.
(11/25/13 6:39am)
The Daily Cardinal recently spoke with Wisconsin native and co-founder of the Found Footage Festival, Nick Prueher, about the unique artform of found footage and the festival’s upcoming show “Best of the Midwest” at the Barrymore Theatre Nov. 30.
(11/21/13 6:08am)
Sometimes, public figures will actually grace us with some incredible quotes. There’s nothing I appreciate more than a verbal faux-pas, especially from someone famous or someone I despise. So, over the years, in a navy spiral notebook, I’ve written down some of the most notable and confusing of these. Let me share:
(11/14/13 4:16am)
I came down with a nasty sickness over the weekend. Not like, “Achoo—can I have more ginger ale and bon bons, Mommy?” sick. It was more so, “Fuck, I’m going to die, goodbye, :(” sick.
(11/07/13 5:58am)
Let me be frank: I’m fucking terrified of technology.