I came down with a nasty sickness over the weekend. Not like, “Achoo—can I have more ginger ale and bon bons, Mommy?” sick. It was more so, “Fuck, I’m going to die, goodbye, :(” sick.
So, as I lay there, I started thinking about where I might go if I did, in fact, kick the proverbial bucket. Here are some of my thoughts.
Scenario 1: I’m actually invincible, and even the deadliest of deadly diseases won’t send me to meet my maker. This seems like a pretty legit possibility. But seriously, show me some empirical evidence proving why I, the most specialest of all people, would be subject to something so silly and gruesome as dying. Ya can’t do it. Cuz I’m still not dead. Bye bye.
Scenario 2: I will wake up as a puppy or kitten approximately two months in the future. So this is one of my favorite afterlife situations. There’s that whole model of reincarnation I don’t understand at all. It seems pretty complex. Well, I developed my own kind of reincarnation cycle, it goes something like human—cat/dog—bird/horse—mouse/rat/frog/snake—fish—snail/butterfly—grasshopper/deer—tick/termite—ant—mildew—garbage—human. My next stop is either dog or cat, which, to be honest, kind of gets me excited. Cats get to do whatever the hell they want, and dogs are kind of like humans who don’t have to do any work.
Scenario 3: I will cross the River Styx, the boundary between Earth and the underworld. Around age 11, when “Age of Mythology” was the coolest game to play, I cared a little bit about Greek history. The River Styx undoubtedly is one of the most badass passages into the underworld. Imagine bro-ing with the ancient keepers of death. So syck.
Scenario 4: I will be reborn as the same person. Whoa, I’m getting a little “Groundhog Day” on you here. In the next possible afterlife scenario, well, it isn’t really an afterlife at all. I just live the exact same life again. It’s sort of like a human recycling service—the “reuse” part at least. “Wouldn’t this be the worst?” you ask. Well, yes and no. Yes because why the actual fuck would this happen? Really. No because I suppose you wouldn’t realize you were living the same life over and over again (unless that explains deja vu [hahaha fuck you]).
Scenario 5: I will be buried in the ground and that will be that. This one’s pretty self-explanatory—not too much you can argue about it.
Scenario 6: I will become a spooky ghost. This seems like a pretty cliche route for the dead, but what the hell? I want there to be a smorgasbord of ghost types like in “Ghostbusters.” Fat, green, slimy ghost definitely comes in my size. I definitely don’t want everyone to end up like Casper. That would be hella boring.
Scenario 7: I will become some kind of omniscient space-time-traveling super-being. Isn’t it every young nerd’s dream to transcend into an all-knowing, all-seeing super-organism that is sort of like a god with no real power? Well it was at least one young nerd’s dream…
None of these scenarios make any sense. I know it. You know it. But under the hallucinations of an otherworldly fever, pretty much anything seems plausible.
Let’s take a step back though and realize these seven scenarios make just as much sense as anything else. Yep.
So I guess let’s be happy and live and not be so worried about what happens when we die!!!
What does your afterlife hold in store? Let Andy know by emailing andy@holsteens.com.
