This is my last column of 2013. Instead of reflecting on the semester, getting all gooey thinking about stories even my mom refuses to read, I wanted to go out with a bang. So, I tried to come up with the perfect column concept.
If any of you read my stuff on a semi-regular basis, you know there are a few topics I repeatedly beat into the ground. It’s not a bad thing. I just love and hate very specific things.
One of the things I despise is technology (see “Technology can be terrifying,” Nov. 6, 2013). And Amazon’s recent announcement to potentially employ a drone army in order to expedite shipping times seemed like perfect fodder for my finale. Because, let’s be honest, those Amazonian robots will more than likely be outfitted with government spy cams and rocket launchers. Is there no better justification for total surveillance than the promise of getting Blu-rays and sex toys delivered to your door by a soulless flying box? But this didn’t actually seem that funny, just kind of frightening and sad.
Staying on the topic of gross consumerism, I went to Black Friday this year!!!!! AT 5 A.M.!!!!! It was really disappointing. I was desperately expecting angry swarms of sleep-deprived, blood-thirsty deal seekers attacking each other with mall shanks. But barely anyone was there. I was super sad :(. Apparently the major rush came at 8 p.m. ON THANKSGIVING NIGHT. American dumbfuckery is almost always good for a lol or lolol.
But once again, it was just kind of depressing, not hilarious. Making a joke out of all of those poor souls ripped away from their families on a holiday so people could save 10 percent on shit their kids don’t even want felt wrong, even to me, someone willing to mock pretty much anything.
As my journey to formulate the perfect column idea continued, I thought back on some of the random directions in which I travelled earlier in the semester: cliche-inspired vignettes, a pro-McDonald’s rant, made-up words, lots of other crap. I’m v. blase about it all now. That’s probably normal, right?
So, coming up with something good this week became all the more important as I realized none of my former ideas were even OK. Can something simultaneously be serious and funny? Idk, I want it so bad though.
Is there a joke in Russian prisons or Chinese-Tibet relations? It certainly doesn’t seem like it. Was this a joke? I’m treading dangerous water, but it might be a good thing.
Once in a while, my columns take on a semi-meta demeanor. Sometimes they get away from me and start to make meaning on their own, so I go cry, because that shit just shouldn’t happen.
And that might be the case with this one. I think this column might be making some kind of comment about awareness. I think it might be saying something about what’s really important.
It’s hard to make sense out of some of the really dumb shit people do on the reg. So hard, there’s a strong incentive to stop trying. But that’s not what people should do.
I like humor because, when it’s done right, it makes bad things not hurt so much. It makes people want to care about important things that otherwise might be overlooked.
Comedy is good.
So what was the topic of this column? It’s kind of ambiguous. I like it like that. Things don’t always need to be super obvious. At least I don’t think so.
When you’re reading my columns next semester (you will, damn it), remember this: Things aren’t always what they seem. Take a second to think about shit, even when it makes you laugh. Otherwise, you might not realize how much more is being said.
That’s all I’ve got.
Did this column make you think? Crave McDonald’s? Both? Tell Andy about it at andy@holsteens.com.
