Sometimes, public figures will actually grace us with some incredible quotes. There’s nothing I appreciate more than a verbal faux-pas, especially from someone famous or someone I despise. So, over the years, in a navy spiral notebook, I’ve written down some of the most notable and confusing of these. Let me share:
“I need a twice-daily pill that will allow me to function on only 30 minutes of sleep per night.”
—President Barack Obama , “So You Think You Can President?” The Daily Misrepresentative, Jan. 13, 2010
“They should find a way to perform all surgeries without making any incisions into the skin whatsoever—so my microdermed bod will never get gnarled into some grotesque laparoscopic travesty.”
—Kim Kardashian, “Hey (lololol), Read About Celebrities,” Rolling and Stoned, Aug. 19, 2009
“All I want for Christmas is a new wardrobe, a tan, gold, diamonds, an S-Class and your love.”
—Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, “Royalty Is Still Super Hip and Cool, Even For Young People, So Deal With It,” The En Gardean, Dec. 4, 2012
“If science can’t help me live for 450 years, what’s the point of it?”
—The state of Kentucky, “10 States That Shouldn’t Exist,” Scuzzfeed, July 3, 2013
“If only the world were made entirely of rice pudding.”
—Action Bronson, rapper, “Woah, This Dude’s Hairy,” (Smoking) Ice, Feb. 18, 2012
“Every night I lie teary-eyed in bed, wishing I’d become a tightrope walker or pastry chef.”
—Nancy Grace, P.O.S. of the year finalist, “Larry King’s Alive,” Nov. 8, 2007
“Despite being born a blind, deaf miniature pony, I think I’ve done pretty well for myself in show biz.”
—Frank Sinatra , “I Can’t Breathe Over the Stench of Grenadine,” The L.A. Grime, Aug. 20, 1963
“Are we there yet?”
—Bored readers of this column, “Famous Figures’ Quality Quotes,” The Daily Cardinal, Nov. 21, 2013
“I wish Junior could run for the presidency someday, but he’s far too stupid for that. I think he’ll ultimately stick with baseball.”
—George H.W. Bush, “America’s Man: How Bush Stays Trimmed,” Manly Man Man Man War Manly Boom Boom Man, Jan. 28, 1996
“Wait… What’s your name again? Chuck? Like Chuck E. Cheese? I love their pizza.”
—Mike Tyson, “The Softest Side of a Maniac,” Squirts Illustrated, Dec. 30, 2000
“There’s this girl who works at a small diner in the town where I grew up, Mobile, Ala.. I go there sometimes just to kick up dust. She might work at the grocery store too. I’m not sure; a lot of people look kind of similar to me these days.”
—Jimmy Buffett, “Drunk, High, Cheeseburger, Paradise,” Bitchfork, 2006
“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not interested in buying your damn encyclopedias? Oh, this is an interview.”
—Donald Trump, “Angry Old Men Still Run the World,” The Pacific, June 2, 2003
“If it gets any colder here, well, we’re just going to have to go ahead and move to Venezuela.”
—Mr. Albert Jenkins, “Old and Agitated About Climate Change,” The Flow Rider Weekly, March 25, 2010
“I told the guy I wanted pickles on my sandwich, and he just gave me this kind of blank, empty look. Are you getting all of this? The place is called Sub-Terranean, and I refuse to eat there ever again.”
—Jared Fogle, “Losing My Waist and My Mind,” The New York Fancy Mag, Oct. 15, 2006
Have you said anything interesting lately? Share it with Andy at andy@holsteens.com.
