Here are answers to all your questions about Wisconsin’s candidates for governor, such as “Which candidate will institute a police state?” and “Can we trust these insipid talking heads?”
Mary Burke:
—Demoncratic candidate for governor of Wisconsin
—Former executive at Trek, yeah that Trek
—Father founded Trek Bicycle Company
—Graduated from Harvard’s School of Silly Business
—Not Scott Walker
—Has always shown interest in trees
—Her name is a palindrome
—If elected, would become first woman governor of Wisconsin
—Has been 29 years old for decades
—Not Scott Walker
—Has never plagiarized (honest!)
—Some people really like her
—Seems to be mostly human
—Not Scott Walker
—Parted the Repooplican Sea
—An iPhone user
—Loves the sound of crunching numbers
—Not Scott Walker
—Definitely not Scott Walker
Scott Walker:
—Incumbent Repooplican candidate for governor
—Belongs to the same party as other great leaders such as George W. Bush and Herman Cain
—You’ve seen his name everywhere
—Wants to be president when he grows up
—Has the “WOW” factor
—Graduated from Delavan-Darien High School
—Has great hair
—Refused role in hit film “Total Recall”
—Enjoys a good cigar now and then
—Descended from a long line of proud vampires
—Knows hoards of uninformed voters worship him
—“Glad ta meet ya”
—Has lived up to all promises
—Just a regular kind of guy
—Eats his fruits and vegetables
—Hasn’t fucked up THAT badly
—Could look sexy with thick-rimmed glasses
—Will shake your hand if you vote for him
—Let’s think about all the good he has done
