Eyy freshmen, you’re over a month into this whole college thing and if you’re reading this, chances are you haven’t dropped out yet--so congrats! There is however, another issue at hand: You’re quickly turning into a wittle homesick baby. It’s OK to be homesick. It’s just part of the whole getting acclimated to life without mommy doing everything for you phase. WRONG. See, that was a trick so all you weaklings would let down your guard and admit to missing the ol’ homefront. Homesickness is a disease that will keep people in your dorm farther away from you than open cold sores. If you want to ride with the big dogs here at college, but there’s something--oh, I don’t know, say mommy’s chicken pot pie--that is making you miss those classic high school days, get this through your stupid thumbsucking skull: Only the loseriest of the losers feel homesick. Luckily for all you nimrods thinking about hopping on a Megabus this weekend, Almanac has compiled an exhaustive motivational pamphlet to keep your ass anchored in Witte until Thanksgiving.
Things people on your floor will say about you once they find out you went home for the weekend:
“They seemed so cool at first.”
“I’m not surprised. Did you know they call their parents every Wednesday after dinner? What the hell is that?”
“We’ll just have to find someone else to play on our intramural flag football team.”
“It’s probably just so they can crawl back to their ex who’s still a senior.”
“I knew this would happen as soon as they put up all those lame photos of their family.”
“Wait, so they’re not gonna be at the pre-game?”
“How can someone be so boring?”
“I would be embarrassed if they were my child.”
“So wha--I mean, yeah, yeah, only losers get homesick. Everyone knows that.”
“Won’t it be so much kinkier if we do it in their bed though?”
Excuses you can give if you’re just too weak to stick things out like every single one of your classmates:
“There’s going to be free food.”
“It’s not my fault! My parents just can’t function without their little ray of sunshine.”
“I can’t risk getting written up for the fifth week in a row.”
“I’ve got this thing.”
“I’m actually staying with some friends in (insert city where Badgers are playing that Saturday).”
Alternative weekend activities for when you become alienated by everyone you’ve met so far:
—Go to a concert at one of Madison’s various music venues, alone.
—Head over to Willy Street and check out some of the tasty East-side restaurants, alone.
—Check out the fall colors at UW’s Botanical Gardens, alone.
—Take a bike ride out into the rolling hills surrounding the Madison area, alone.
—Create a student org for other losers who went home, alone.
—Just go home every weekend because no one here will want to see your face.
—Any of the above activities can also be done with your parents, who will be your only friends until the day you inevitably die.
