University of Wisconsin-Madison students absolutely can’t wait for the completion of the various high-rise apartment complexes currently under construction in the campus area.
A recent poll of undergraduates showed developers hit the proverbial nail on the head by simultaneously deciding to build enormous housing structures 200 feet apart from one another.
“I’ve been stuck in a dorm for the past two years,” sophomore Julia McPherry said. “It just seems like there’s literally nowhere else to live. Without all these new housing options, I would probably be stuck there until graduation. Thanks developers!”
One major concern raised by local law enforcement is the fact that residential buildings above five or six stories tend to lack a cohesive identity between the people who live there. This often leads to higher crime rates, as people don’t feel any sort of meaningful connection to their neighbors.
“Honestly, who the fuck cares about the people who live around them?” junior Rocky Patterson said. “The less I have to deal with others, the better. I hope when I move in, everyone stays in their own damn apartment. Crime? Pfft. Why do you think I keep a loaded .45 in every room? I’ll take a fractured community any day. Thanks developers!”
Employees of the Madison-based company EPIC, which hires many UW graduates, are one of the major target groups for these fresh abodes.
“Everyone knows EPIC will continue growing exponentially until the end of time,” EPIC head of recruiting, Molly Skell, said. “I’m glad our future millions of employees will have roofs to put over their heads. Thanks developers!”
A few idiot students have suggested these new buildings will be out of their budget. Luckily, as the most recent poll shows, most of these dinguses have come to their senses.
“At first I thought it was probably a bad idea to go for a place more than twice as expensive as my current shared apartment,” super senior Greg Goldin said. “But after considering the massive amount of debt I already owe in student loans and other expenses, who fucking cares? Thanks developers!”
These brand new, clean high-rises are setting Madison on course to do away with the unneeded “character” and “quaint appeal” of the gross campus area known nationally as a hippie-loving shit hole.
