Wednesday, 19-year-old pop star Justin Bieber asked society as a whole to “Please, just piss off.”
Bieber, responsible for touchingly beautiful tracks such as “Baby” and “Boyfriend,” is the latest teen sensation to come face-to-face with the negative effects of early, totally undeserved stardom. And the aftermath of being abused by a soulless consumerist media culture has dragged the poor man-boy into a cycle of self-destruction and despair—highlighted by a recent DUI charge.
“Am I not a human being?” Bieber earnestly pondered. “I thought retiring from music might take some of the constant unhealthy pressure off my back. But, for some reason people can’t leave me alone. You all understand this is insane, right?”
Die-hard “Bielebers” have supported young Justin throughout all his objectively unsavory outbursts, including the recent arrest. At least 100 fans gathered outside the Miami police station where Bieber was briefly held to offer their idol moral assurance—organizing themselves into heart-shaped formations and chanting “Free Justin!”
“It’s really amazing my fans care so much about my wellbeibing. I’m truly blessed. But no amount of encouragement will negate the fact I’ve been psychologically scarred beyond comprehension,” Beiber said. “I know saying ‘piss off’ isn’t the best way to go about this, but by now, what else did you expect from this horrible individual you’ve all created?”
Following press time, hoards of evil celebrity journalists, zombie fans and random angry people converged, forming a massive whirl of incoherent, pointless banter, as the once innocent Bieber faded further into a state of irreversible depression.
