The entire college community in Madison, Wisconsin was rocked on Monday by the news that a UW-Madison student that was not running for an ASM office position voted in the ASM election. ASM, or Associated Students of Madison, is a group of students democratically elected by the student body to represent their interests in the day-to-day running of the university and big picture funding issues. The group has existed since the 19th century and has a proud tradition of advancing student rights.
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In a move that continues this week’s trend of surprising decisions from President Trump’s executive branch, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt, announced that he would demand a large-scale investigation into the role that off-shore wind turbines played in the series of devastating hurricanes that hit Florida and Texas this summer.
Early Wednesday morning, Madison resident Holden W. Magroin was released from Dane County Sheriff’s Department after being arrested on Regent Street the previous night and charged with public intoxication as well as public urination. A source who wishes to remain anonymous reports that during an allegedly “painfully silent” car ride home with his wife, Magroin announced that he would be going to court to fight the charges. The source went on the disclose that when pressed on how he would oppose the charge, the accused urinator replied “Umm ... see, the thing is … well, where was I? It was self-defense!” The source stated the opinion that this seemed to be made up on the spot and postulated that it may have originated with Magroin’s love of national news stories. Cardinal reporters caught up with Magroin later in the week to uncover more on the story. He was quoted saying: “Here’s the thing: Was I drunk? That’s for the court to decide. I really had no choice on the matter. I was walking completely normally down an alley on the way home from the pub—I mean ... church!—when this stop sign started leaning towards me. I didn’t feel safe, so I took the only action I could to protect myself.” When asked for more details, Magroin simply stated that he had been in church Tuesday night from 8-11:30 with his friend Dave. Dave could not be reached for comment.When asked for a comment on the story, arresting officer Charlie McCop stated that he had observed Magroin stumble out of a bar, named Whiskey’s Church, start shouting wildly about how dark it was and then proceeded to urinate on a stop sign. At this point, McCop felt that he “had no choice but to arrest the clearly inebriated man.”At press time, McCop was apprehending a different man urinating on the same stop sign
In a story that continues to develop amid controversy, local bar owner Ray Blando has been overheard referring to popular hip-hop tracks as “black people music.” Students on the scene report that he continued to say, “Future and Migos bring an atmosphere that, while lit, could bring a far more inclusive party environment to our establishment, and that’s something we are not yet comfortable with.”
WASHINGTON—It was a rough week for Democratic congressmen. Republicans revealed the promised healthcare alternative to the Affordable Care Act, which as anticipated will cost millions of Americans their insurance coverage, while deportations of illegal immigrants continued across the U.S. Facing mounting opposition from a Republican majority and president, some Democratic congressmen are putting their hope into last-ditch move: the involuntary importation of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.Capitol staff Monday were surprised to discover the official petition, which had been nailed to the door of Senator Mitch McConnell’s office. It laid out the request for a team of Navy Seals to invade the home of Trudeau, kidnap the prime minister and imprison him in the personal bathroom of House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. The document went on to request congressional permission to humanely waterboard Trudeau in order to receive strategic political advice.A federal judge, who requested her identity be kept private, was skeptical of the legality of the plan when interviewed by the Cardinal reporters. She was quoted saying “while obviously, sometimes, we have to wiretap foreign leaders, physically bringing them to the U.S. to interrogate them is a bit of a grey area, legally speaking.”When McConnell himself was asked about the plan, he began by going on the record to say he was impressed with the Democrats’ initiative, and continued on to mention that “using people as a resource should be a right of every American politician.” He concluded the conference by stating that he thought Trudeau was a poor choice, and that he would like to recommend to his Democratic colleagues an importation of Nigel Farage instead, even offering to pay for expedited shipping as a show of bipartisan goodwill.At press time, a parcel containing a small amount of chloroform was intercepted by customs officers at the Canadian border.
A long time ago, there was a small mystical creature, named Cupid. He flew around the world with his fairy wings, and used his magic arrows to cause humans to fall in love. He was content with his simple and fulfilling life.One day, Cupid was feeling particularly energetic and determined, and his hard day’s work singlehandedly caused the population explosion in the Indian subcontinent. Feeling exhausted from the effort, he decided to stop in at the Mythical Creatures Pub on his way home for a relaxing beer.This pub was nothing special to look at, just a small brick building in a field in Northern Ireland, but it was frequented by all sorts of beings considered fictional by humans. The tooth fairy was a regular, leprechauns stopped by from time to time (though they were required to pay ahead of time, they were notorious binge drinkers), and even Santa made an occasional appearance, when the “old ball and chain” let him have some fun (his words).On that particular day Cupid found a spot between one of Snow White’s seven dwarves and a deeply inebriated centaur, and as they began to converse, the bar tab grew longer and longer. By the time the MC Pub was almost empty, the unlikely trio were trying their hand at deciphering the key to happiness. Not an easy task at the best of times, made even more difficult by the fact that they had drank their way through just about every drink on the menu (saving of course anything with the word “spritzer” in the name, they still had their dignity). As the barkeep started attempting to shuffle them out, they decided to give up and leave the thinking stuff to someone else.The next day, Cupid woke up with an earsplitting headache and a startling revelation. The key to happiness, he realized, was money! While attempting not to throw up, he pondered how to make his new realization into a reality. Time was on his side; an immortal being learns to appreciate the luxury of patience. He continued to go about his daily routine for a few decades, all the while thinking of ways to become independently wealthy. Then one day, it hit him like an arrow to the knee (which was ironic, because the thought was so distracting that an arrow meant for a passerby on his way to a dance class accidentally hit a tree, which immediately became deeply infatuated with a nearby oak, and was destined to the misery of not being able to communicate his romantic feelings). Cupid immediately gave up on match-making for the day, and began to draw up plans to start a company that preyed upon the very emotion that he distributed among the people.A few weeks later, doors opened at a brand new company: Hallmark. They immediately began producing tacky cards, candles and other things no person ever needed. Upon the initial success, they began churning out even tackier and cheaper products. This continued for many years, and Cupid became very rich, and true to his prediction, very happy. Every time he got dangerously close to thinking about what really mattered in life, he bought a pile of chocolate and attempted to eat his way through it. No one has ever been unhappy while eating chocolate; his life was blissful.Time went on, and Cupid slowly became as fat as a pregnant panda bear, although not as cuddly. His initially successful company, however, began to become less and less lucrative. It seemed that people had completely filled their homes with tacky, emotionally pandering items, and could not buy more, and due to Cupid’s focus on eating rather than love-spreading, not enough new people were being made to support the company. It seemed that one good idea was not enough to continuously bolster Cupid financially, and that he would have to be ingenious again if he wanted to continue the lifestyle he had grown accustomed to.The very next day, while chasing away an existential crisis on one of his three speed boats, Cupid formed the plan that would ensure his wealth for the foreseeable future. Instead of forming a new company, or changing the existing one, he would change culture itself to benefit him the most. He decided that he would use Hallmark’s “terrible movie division” to start the idea of a new holiday, dedicated entirely to spending money under the pretext of romanticism. Instead of showing romantic affection through nice gestures, or—god forbid—spending time together, couples could now just spend money on useless junk for each other!It was the perfect plan. A suggestible, media-obsessed culture drank up the idea of being able to spend less time and effort on their significant others, as well as getting things bought for them. As years went on, the made-up holiday pervaded society completely, and after a number of years, no one even realized that is was simply invented to sell greeting cards and cheap stuffed animals.And so, Valentine’s Day was born… Legend has it, every Feb. 14, Cupid gets together with his mythical friends at the pub where it all began and buys everyone a round as they have a good laugh.
In a shocking development, Wisconsin legislators announced that beginning on Feb. 29, 2017, dogs of all breeds will be able to open carry on the UW-Madison campus. In line with current Wisconsin carry laws, these dogs will not need a permit to purchase and open carry a firearm. However, they will need to wait two days before they can pick up their weapon.While many legislators see the new law as a huge advance in dog liberty, some students expressed concern. Samantha Knobby, a lifelong Wisconsin resident and student at UW-Madison told reporters “I’m not really sure why this bill is even a thing. I mean, why would a dog even need a gun? I don’t even think they could pull the trigger.”In response to the critiques, Wisconsin State Senator Richard P. “Trigger-happy” Ennis, who drafted the legislation and spearheaded the movement to get it passed within the current session, held a press conference explaining the dire need for the law. He explained that the existing laws prohibiting dogs from possessing weapons “violates every American dog’s god-given right to defend themselves from real and perceived threats.” He concluded his appearance by announcing that he had an appointment with his loyal golden retriever, Shooter, to visit their local gun shop and then go on a peaceful and safe walk down University Avenue.Other legislators also communicated various levels of support for the new law. Some Republican state senators voiced concern over including dog breeds that were considered dangerous, like affenpinschers and beaucerons, in the bill, but overall there was considerable approval for the new measure.At press time, university biologists were studying the mass emigration of stray cats from the UW-Madison campus.
During the tumultuous time surrounding the transfer of power between former President Obama and President Trump, allegations have surfaced that Trump may have a more long-standing relationship with Russia, Vladimir Putin, and Russian businesses than he indicated. While these claims remain unsubstantiated, they, along with reports of Russian election hacking, place additional suspicion that the President-elect was helped in winning the election by the Russian government.For many voters, however, these allegations pose other problems leading into Trump’s presidency. A large part of the President appeal during his candidacy was his lack of political experience, which set him apart from opponents and gave him an “outsider” image. This lack of experience proved to be a significant asset on the campaign trail. While very few political advisors would suggest making fun of veterans, disabled people and women, on election day voters shower that the mockery really resonated with them.Now, in light of the new accusations, the outsider image may be challenged. Amateur alligator tamer and Floridian Bobby Joe Bodean commented, “I only voted Trump for president because I thought he had no idea what he was doing! Seeing that this might have been planned makes me think I might have made a mistake, and thinking makes my head hurt.” This same idea was echoed among many Trump voters, especially those in less-affluent areas. While the way his campaign was run indicated little to no political savvy, possible ties to the Russian president indicate unexpected levels of political and diplomatic experience.In response to the allegation, many Congressmen from both sides of the aisle have called for various levels or retribution, ranging from a metaphorical slap on the wrist to a literal spanking. House Speaker John Boehner reminded his colleges that the accusations do not yet have any factual backing, and that a full investigation is still pending. This however prompted US Representative Gary Palmer to shout “Since when have facts started to get in the way of the American people’s justice?!” across the floor of the House.President Trump could not be reached for comment, as he was out of the country playing golf with definitely not Putin.
When Americans voted for the next president in November, President Barack Obama entered the so-called “lame-duck period.” During this time, it is typically considered poor form for the president to pass legislation, especially if his replacement is from the other party.At a recent press conference, however, First Lady Michelle Obama revealed that her husband is no lame duck in their White House bedroom. Noting that he has been relatively active for a president in the lame-duck period, she went on to say that she has been “completely satisfied by his performance, both professionally and sexually.”When asked for more details, Michelle Obama touched on Barack Obama’s efforts to ensure that Planned Parenthood maintain its funding into the coming years, and also mentioned that he had recently invented a new sexual position called the “sitting duck,” though she would not elaborate on the details, citing that it is “relatively indecent.”The president’s office has suggested that Obama has two main priorities for the coming months: the TPP trade deal, and another attempt to confirm Judge Merrick Garland for the Supreme Court. However, with the Democratic Party being unable to flip Congress and an inbound Republican president, it seems unlikely the president will be able to succeed on either front. His last opportunity to influence the course of the country will be deciding on the budget for the coming fiscal year, which will likely be a lively struggle due to Congress’ complete unwillingness to do their jobs. Despite this, sources close to the first couple have reported that Barack Obama is in no way letting his professional frustration transfer to his relationship.When asked about his wife’s statement at a climate summit, the leader of the free world smiled knowingly, and conceded that recently, “Things have really been clicking between Michelle and I. Can we please get back to talking about rising global temperatures?” Stifling a storm of follow-up questions, he went on to say, “My sex life is between me, my wife and our housekeeper, and that’s all you need to know.”At press time, Obama was photographed fist-bumping Bill Clinton.
1. The Eggs
1. “Why so Syrian?”
The stars make me sad, you see
While the economy continues to recover from the Great Recession of 2008, there is one group of institutions that is having a harder time recovering than others: churches. While confidence in the housing market grows, and the employment rate sinks further, polls show that more Americans than ever have no religious affiliations. This new trend has significant implications for the fiscal security of churches nationwide.
In July, in a Green Party press release, presidential candidate Jill Stein outlined her plans to give America the “silent treatment.” Stein stated that until voters decide to act their age, they would not receive any attention from her. The announcement came amid a push by the Green Party to portray themselves as a common sense alternative to the mainstream candidates. The plan was aiming to appeal to voters’ common sense.
“Don’t smile because it’s over. Cry because it happened.”
1. Actually visit Cleveland, Ohio
The conventions for the Democratic and Republican parties are just around the corner, and the general election season is heating up. Early polls show that Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a close race, with the former having a slight advantage. Mr. Trump, however, seems to to be certain of victory. In an interesting new development, there are allegations that the billionaire has spent a large amount of campaign funds to purchase an intricate replica of the Iron Throne, the chair of power in the fantasy series “Game of Thrones.”
MINNEAPOLIS — The Minnesota Zoo was struck by tragedy this Wednesday, as one of its last remaining male African penguins was fatally shot by a zookeeper.
PARIS – After a series of high-level meetings, French president François Hollande announced that the nation of France officially surrenders the next major world conflict. The ceremonial surrendering was held Sunday morning in front of the Eiffel Tower and was watched by a cheering crowd.