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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, May 29, 2024

Democratic congressmen request to import Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

WASHINGTON—It was a rough week for Democratic congressmen. Republicans revealed the promised healthcare alternative to the Affordable Care Act, which as anticipated will cost millions of Americans their insurance coverage, while deportations of illegal immigrants continued across the U.S. Facing mounting opposition from a Republican majority and president, some Democratic congressmen are putting their hope into last-ditch move: the involuntary importation of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Capitol staff Monday were surprised to discover the official petition, which had been nailed to the door of Senator Mitch McConnell’s office. It laid out the request for a team of Navy Seals to invade the home of Trudeau, kidnap the prime minister and imprison him in the personal bathroom of House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. The document went on to request congressional permission to humanely waterboard Trudeau in order to receive strategic political advice.
A federal judge, who requested her identity be kept private, was skeptical of the legality of the plan when interviewed by the Cardinal reporters. She was quoted saying “while obviously, sometimes, we have to wiretap foreign leaders, physically bringing them to the U.S. to interrogate them is a bit of a grey area, legally speaking.”
When McConnell himself was asked about the plan, he began by going on the record to say he was impressed with the Democrats’ initiative, and continued on to mention that “using people as a resource should be a right of every American politician.” He concluded the conference by stating that he thought Trudeau was a poor choice, and that he would like to recommend to his Democratic colleagues an importation of Nigel Farage instead, even offering to pay for expedited shipping as a show of bipartisan goodwill.
At press time, a parcel containing a small amount of chloroform was intercepted by customs officers at the Canadian border.

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