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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, April 14, 2024

Michelle Obama reveals husband is no lame duck in bed

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

When Americans voted for the next president in November, President Barack Obama entered the so-called “lame-duck period.” During this time, it is typically considered poor form for the president to pass legislation, especially if his replacement is from the other party.
At a recent press conference, however, First Lady Michelle Obama revealed that her husband is no lame duck in their White House bedroom. Noting that he has been relatively active for a president in the lame-duck period, she went on to say that she has been “completely satisfied by his performance, both professionally and sexually.”
When asked for more details, Michelle Obama touched on Barack Obama’s efforts to ensure that Planned Parenthood maintain its funding into the coming years, and also mentioned that he had recently invented a new sexual position called the “sitting duck,” though she would not elaborate on the details, citing that it is “relatively indecent.”
The president’s office has suggested that Obama has two main priorities for the coming months: the TPP trade deal, and another attempt to confirm Judge Merrick Garland for the Supreme Court.
However, with the Democratic Party being unable to flip Congress and an inbound Republican president, it seems unlikely the president will be able to succeed on either front. His last opportunity to influence the course of the country will be deciding on the budget for the coming fiscal year, which will likely be a lively struggle due to Congress’ complete unwillingness to do their jobs. Despite this, sources close to the first couple have reported that Barack Obama is in no way letting his professional frustration transfer to his relationship.
When asked about his wife’s statement at a climate summit, the leader of the free world smiled knowingly, and conceded that recently, “Things have really been clicking between Michelle and I. Can we please get back to talking about rising global temperatures?”
Stifling a storm of follow-up questions, he went on to say, “My sex life is between me, my wife and our housekeeper, and that’s all you need to know.”
At press time, Obama was photographed fist-bumping Bill Clinton.

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