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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, August 17, 2022

Wisconsin legislature passes Canine Campus Carry law

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a shocking development, Wisconsin legislators announced that beginning on Feb. 29, 2017, dogs of all breeds will be able to open carry on the UW-Madison campus. In line with current Wisconsin carry laws, these dogs will not need a permit to purchase and open carry a firearm. However, they will need to wait two days before they can pick up their weapon.
While many legislators see the new law as a huge advance in dog liberty, some students expressed concern. Samantha Knobby, a lifelong Wisconsin resident and student at UW-Madison told reporters “I’m not really sure why this bill is even a thing. I mean, why would a dog even need a gun? I don’t even think they could pull the trigger.”
In response to the critiques, Wisconsin State Senator Richard P. “Trigger-happy” Ennis, who drafted the legislation and spearheaded the movement to get it passed within the current session, held a press conference explaining the dire need for the law. He explained that the existing laws prohibiting dogs from possessing weapons “violates every American dog’s god-given right to defend themselves from real and perceived threats.” He concluded his appearance by announcing that he had an appointment with his loyal golden retriever, Shooter, to visit their local gun shop and then go on a peaceful and safe walk down University Avenue.
Other legislators also communicated various levels of support for the new law. Some Republican state senators voiced concern over including dog breeds that were considered dangerous, like affenpinschers and beaucerons, in the bill, but overall there was considerable approval for the new measure.
At press time, university biologists were studying the mass emigration of stray cats from the UW-Madison campus.

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