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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, May 29, 2024

An image Madison police are placing below stop signs on State Street.

Man contests public urination charges, citing self-defense

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Early Wednesday morning, Madison resident Holden W. Magroin was released from Dane County Sheriff’s Department after being arrested on Regent Street the previous night and charged with public intoxication as well as public urination.
A source who wishes to remain anonymous reports that during an allegedly “painfully silent” car ride home with his wife, Magroin announced that he would be going to court to fight the charges. The source went on the disclose that when pressed on how he would oppose the charge, the accused urinator replied “Umm ... see, the thing is … well, where was I? It was self-defense!” The source stated the opinion that this seemed to be made up on the spot and postulated that it may have originated with Magroin’s love of national news stories.
Cardinal reporters caught up with Magroin later in the week to uncover more on the story. He was quoted saying: “Here’s the thing: Was I drunk? That’s for the court to decide. I really had no choice on the matter. I was walking completely normally down an alley on the way home from the pub—I mean ... church!—when this stop sign started leaning towards me. I didn’t feel safe, so I took the only action I could to protect myself.” When asked for more details, Magroin simply stated that he had been in church Tuesday night from 8-11:30 with his friend Dave. Dave could not be reached for comment.
When asked for a comment on the story, arresting officer Charlie McCop stated that he had observed Magroin stumble out of a bar, named Whiskey’s Church, start shouting wildly about how dark it was and then proceeded to urinate on a stop sign. At this point, McCop felt that he “had no choice but to arrest the clearly inebriated man.”
At press time, McCop was apprehending a different man urinating on the same stop sign

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