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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, August 17, 2022
Windmills and Sailboats on the Ocean

Wind turbines preparing to blow the small boat in front of them, resulting in hurricanes brewing throughout the Atlantic Ocean.

EPA chief Scott Pruitt says wind turbines are responsible for recent increase in hurricane activity

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a move that continues this week’s trend of surprising decisions from President Trump’s executive branch, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt, announced that he would demand a large-scale investigation into the role that off-shore wind turbines played in the series of devastating hurricanes that hit Florida and Texas this summer. 

At a press conference on Tuesday, Pruitt made the announcement directly after a 15-minute speech about the benefits of coal. The attendees, roughly split between reporters and miners, chuckled a little bit, but lapsed into silence when they realized the former Oklahoma Attorney General was not joking, but rather continued to outline who was going to run the investigation, and what time scale it was going to take place on.

After the announcement was made, Mr. Pruitt responded to multiple questions about what caused him to think that wind turbines could have any relationship with hurricanes by simply responding “Have you seen those things? They’re giant fans, in the middle of the ocean, causing all kinds of wind! It’s a wonder these tragedies haven’t happened earlier.” 

Later that day, top scientists of the agency met with their head to explain to him that wind turbines turn wind into power, instead of generating wind. 

However, according to reports, Pruitt simply responded that the only way he knew of to make power was to set various things on fire, whether it be coal, gas, or something else. These facts were confirmed by Secretary of Energy Rick Perry.

Making the story even more surprising, multiple environmental groups have come out in favor of the study. In a closed door meeting with the heads of these groups, Daily Cardinal reporters were told “Between you and me, I’m glad he’s focusing on this. I mean, the man’s a moron. At least this way EPA scientists are looking at wind turbines, not finding a way to get coal miners on TV even more often.”

Unconfirmed reports go on to suggest that when initial findings showed Pruitt that the tops of wind turbines could be rotates remotely, he went into a rage and accused Obama of trying to get back at Texas for not voting for him.

At press time, Pruitt had commandeered all the desk fans in the EPA building, and was attempting to recreate hurricane conditions in his office.

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