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(04/30/15 5:32am)
Not-so-secretly homesick biology major Allen Markhoff, 19, committed a devastating error Tuesday afternoon, as—for the fourth time this semester—the anxious sophomore audibly, albeit inadvertently, referred to his professor as “Mom.”
(04/29/15 3:23am)
—Have to start reading for fun now.
(04/16/15 4:56am)
In a timely business and militaristic move that is already drawing widespread support, MillerCoors CEO and Commander-in-chief Thomas Lang has called for the brewing conglomerate’s military forces to invade the Anheuser-Busch-backed, possibly-mythical town known as ‘Whatever, USA.’
(03/12/15 3:13am)
In an unsettling revelation for friends, family, classmates and administration alike, UW-Madison junior Lane Laiman, 21, who was thought to be studying abroad for the semester in Spain, was spotted Monday afternoon—bearded and pant-less—rooting around a local wooded area with a large stick in hand.
(02/19/15 4:40am)
Coming to a halt in the middle of the dairy aisle and reviewing her options, local psychopath Betsy Hudson, 45, opted for bagged milk as opposed to the logically sound and psychologically stable choices of milk by jug or carton.
(02/12/15 4:16am)
In a partly horrifying, partly impressive discovery Wednesday afternoon, Wisconsin Athletic Director Barry Alvarez walked in on newly hired head football coach Paul Chryst in the middle of his office constructing a vast fort out of chewing tobacco tins and personal spitters.
(01/29/15 9:51pm)
Citing mental anguish, leading to deep, widespread physical pain, as well as “spiritual devastation,” Oshkosh, Wisconsin resident-drunk Thomas Giles, 42, has reported to local media that he is ‘Questionable’ for getting absolutely shit-housed during Sunday’s NFL finale.
(01/29/15 9:40pm)
In a pleasant personal revelation for Green Bay Packers quarterback and MVP frontrunner Aaron Rodgers, upon arriving home after a 28-22 overtime loss in the NFC Title Game to the Seattle Seahawks, he caught site of celebrity girlfriend Olivia Munn and instantly registered that advancing to the Super Bowl is utterly irrelevant.
(12/04/14 6:36am)
In the most recent occurrence of a growing epidemic, an undoubtedly ashamed sensor-automated toilet flusher has come prematurely.
(11/20/14 3:50am)
This past Saturday evening, complementing his record-breaking rushing performance and preceding Badger football’s famous Jump Around tradition, running back Melvin Gordon decided to bail on the remainder of the lopsided matchup versus conference rival Nebraska and run all the way from Camp Randall to The Kollege Klub.
(11/06/14 5:40am)
With a shift into reverse, a reach of his arm behind the passenger’s seat and a swivel of his head, local father Frank Humphrey assured his entire family Tuesday night that backing into the targeted parking spot would “pay off big time.”
(10/30/14 3:50am)
—The Baha Men are performing at Freakfest at last.
(10/23/14 3:03pm)
Burke:
(10/16/14 5:39am)
On the heels of the news that they will be releasing their long-developed “robot vacuum cleaner” in the near future, Dyson has announced that they will also be unveiling a line of high-powered, futuristic, commercial bidets.
(10/09/14 4:43am)
Brett Klinkner posed as an ordinary college student to determine which campus saloon reigns supreme. We call this little diddy “The Saloon Showdown.”
(10/02/14 5:08am)
Insisting that there’s “nothing quite like it,” University of Wisconsin junior and business major Edward Montgomery admitted on the record that the simple utterance of the word ‘networking’ gets him hot and bothered in no time.
(09/18/14 4:19am)
—All of the beautiful construction cranes.
(09/18/14 4:14am)
Showing no shred of consideration for anyone that he may directly or indirectly come into contact with in the near future, local savage Riley Turner sneezed into his hands on Wednesday afternoon.
(09/11/14 5:15am)
Explaining to his roommates that, “you can’t fall behind ‘cause that’s how you fail out after one semester,” University of Wisconsin Freshman Austen Schwartz took to Helen C. White Library on Monday night—dual coffee thermoses in tow—to pull an all-nighter for Tuesday’s big syllabus quiz focused on the general course outlines of 18th Century East Asian Literature.
(07/11/14 3:58am)
—Enjoying the gorgeous seasonal landscapes of Instagram.