Explaining to his roommates that, “you can’t fall behind ‘cause that’s how you fail out after one semester,” University of Wisconsin Freshman Austen Schwartz took to Helen C. White Library on Monday night—dual coffee thermoses in tow—to pull an all-nighter for Tuesday’s big syllabus quiz focused on the general course outlines of 18th Century East Asian Literature.
Despite the professor imploring that her students simply gloss over said syllabus, compile any inquiries they have and be prepared to answer two or three questions regarding some of the more crucial bits, Schwartz insisted to classmates that “that’s how they get you” and that this exam could make or break his college career and adult life in general.
“I just don’t want to take the risk, you know?” A visibly exhausted Schwartz told The Daily Cardinal when we caught up with him for comment early Tuesday morning. “A lot of students get caught in this trap. It’s how universities weed the fuck-ups out.”
At press time, Schwartz was found passed out on his dorm room futon, having completely missed the syllabus quiz in question, as well as a vital dining hall freshmen meet-n-greet lunch and a Fencing Club introductory meeting that he really wanted to catch.
A source close to Schwartz has revealed that the overwhelmed 18 year-old is considering dropping out of college and returning to his hometown to resume waiting tables at Red Lobster.
