Insisting that there’s “nothing quite like it,” University of Wisconsin junior and business major Edward Montgomery admitted on the record that the simple utterance of the word ‘networking’ gets him hot and bothered in no time.
Montgomery included that the nouns ‘opportunity’ and ‘brand,’ as well as the adjective ‘marketable’ cause him to feel equally seduced, with any mention of ‘internship experience’ getting him all sorts of worked up.
Mitchell Stowe, junior engineering major and roommate of Montgomery, caught up with The Daily Cardinal to relay some incriminating news related to these revelations.
“One night I walked in on him jacking off to BuckyNet,” Stowe said. “There’s also been some suspicious under-the-table activity in the Grainger library when we’ve seen him on LinkedIn.”
Montgomery said that he couldn’t confirm or deny these rumors, but that he will occasionally think about exceptional Forbes articles to get himself going in bed, and that he thinks of minimum wage when he becomes overwhelmed and senses the need to regain composure.
Another roommate—choosing to remain anonymous— revealed that Montgomery, a 21-year-old self-described as “precocious,” would often skip meals to polish his résumé and ‘elevator pitch.’
“That stuff really gets me wet, yeah,” Montgomery said when we reached him for comment on the allegations. “Everyone out here is a potential hirer and potential client. Gotta find the time, man.”
Though Montgomery misses the days of “crushing DECA comps” and longs for the days of corporate mentorship and tossing around the terms “401k” and “Roth IRA,” he claims to live in the moment, currently focused—“sometimes in a real sexual way”—on his next career fair encounter with a Fortune 500 company.
At press time, Montgomery had caught a glimpse of a career fair representative’s business card deck and spontaneously jizzed his underpants, moderately staining the crotchal region of his custom three-piece suit.
