—Have to start reading for fun now.
—Parents not too happy their hard-earned money brought a ‘Social Media Specialist’ to the family.
—Never found the time to visit the famous “State Street.”
—Proximity to Wando’s Bar’s glow-in-the-dark cock ring dispenser taken for granted all these years.
—Street Pulse newspaper not distributed
anywhere else.
—Not going to be here when literally all campus area housing offers a rooftop swimming pool.
—Only secure employment opportunities are Ponzi schemes.
—Still no invite to the guy upstairs’ parties.
—No bar will be able to continually let them down like State Street Brats.
—Can’t “study abroad” anymore; it’ll just be a boring old vacation to Europe.
—Weddings.
—Never got to participate in some light-hearted, fraternity-pledging activity.
—There are no Gender and Women’s Studies courses out in the real world, just patriarchies and glass ceilings.
—The fear of slowly unlearning what an isthmus is.
—Not ready to relinquish the tender, loving, omnipresent care and tutelage of Sir Barry Alvarez.
—No reason. Employers will allow me to skip when I feel like it, including all Fridays, and roll into work whenever I please, drunk and maybe high.
