Friend ‘studying abroad’ spotted in local wooded area with large stick, no pants

In an unsettling revelation for friends, family, classmates and administration alike, UW-Madison junior Lane Laiman, 21, who was thought to be studying abroad for the semester in Spain, was spotted Monday afternoon—bearded and pant-less—rooting around a local wooded area with a large stick in hand.

The misplaced individual was discovered, coincidentally, by former friend Bart Kinnick, 23, who told Cardinal reporters that he was unable to approach and interact with Laiman due to the unsafe nature of the situation, and also the fact that the newly exposed forest-dweller “chucked a pine cone at [Kinnick] and scurried away as soon as he caught a glimpse.”

Alleged to have been wearing tattered boots, deteriorating underwear and a ‘Cedarburg High Volleyball’ cut-off shirt, in addition to wielding a beard down to his nipples and a wooden scepter, the search to relocate Laiman has had no luck in the foreboding ‘first 48’ hours.

Kinnick had traveled to the far-west side of Madison to collect insects for an Entomology school project at the time of discovery, and has claimed that he is neither mad  nor disappointed, but rather just scared and worried for his old acquaintance.

“When you stumble upon someone you kn-... thought you knew with what seems to be a handmade alpenstock, as well as blood and feathers around their mouth, you’re going to feel a bit frightened,” Kinnick told The Daily Cardinal. “I want Lane to be found and saved, but I simply don’t know how he could readapt to society in a way that is safe for everyone around him.”

Despite university administration claiming to have absolutely no record of Laiman applying to study abroad, his parents and close friends have fully assumed for the past two months that he had been living safely in Spain, learning a ton and having the time of his life.

“Yeah, we were concerned when we weren’t seeing the standard hundreds of thousands of social media posts that accompany a friend studying abroad, ranging from touristy photos and artsy Facebook albums to blatantly jealousy-imposing Vine posts and borderline-sexual tweets regarding how incredible and life-changing the experience has been,” former colleague and UW sophomore Devin Henderson, 20, told the Cardinal. “You resent that tsunami of pretentious social media activity until it’s gone, and then you realize how much you needed it, and how much you took it for granted… Oh, but yeah, anyway, we had no idea that he had transformed into some landlocked version of Tom Hanks from ‘Castaway.’ No idea.”

The search party for Laiman is far from defeated, though, and the collective has recently launched an online campaign to #FindLane, additionally requesting any and all thoughts, prayers, love and good vibes.

At press time there were still no other confirmed sightings of Laiman, but a nest made from makeshift bandanas, as well as the grisly remains of numerous foxes and a ‘Cedarburg High’ shirt were located along the Northeastern shoreline of Picnic Point.

 

Help Brett #FindLane by corresponding with him on Twitter at https://twitter.com/yaboyklink.

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