On the heels of the news that they will be releasing their long-developed “robot vacuum cleaner” in the near future, Dyson has announced that they will also be unveiling a line of high-powered, futuristic, commercial bidets.
Intended for use in public buildings as well as the privacy of homes, the prototype will be called the Dyson Hyper Butt Suck 3000. It is projected to hit the shelves next summer, when those butts are all hot and sweaty and in dire need of accessible bidets.
A representative from the British manufacturing hub known for its cutting-edge cleaning machinery explained that bidet technology, and subsequently fresh buttocks, are largely absent from many cultures. Their company aims to make bidets ubiquitous, while working to produce an undercarriage cleanser—or, “AssBlade,” as it is often referred to around the Dyson offices— that will be the industry standard far into the future.
“These lavation stations for the ole brown eye will be one-size-fits-all, with advanced cyclone technology, a V3 digital motor, automated intelligence, carbon fiber, as well as nylon bristles, and a cushion that will mold to any given user’s butt,” Dyson President Joseph Faulk told The Daily Cardinal. “Yep, male or female, skinny or fat, this bidet is at the ready for all of you filthy animals.”
The HBS3K will appear like most bidets, only more Dyson-y, and will have a digital monitor for the user to choose the specific water temperature and which intensity level they would like to engage.
Dyson includes a disclaimer that they cannot be held liable for any injuries suffered when activating the most extreme setting, listed on the aforementioned monitor as “Ouchie, Momma!”
Experts implore that, when bideting, the user doesn’t neglect the goochal regions, as this is a full-service, hiney-cleaning technology that should be respected and utilized as such.
In a supplementary YouTube video, Dyson offers a visual demonstration of this groundbreaking product, though it contains slow-motion video and graphic images, and we must strongly advise that you deeply consider what you’re signing up for before watching.
At press time, a team of Dyson engineers on the dingle-berry defense initiative were brainstorming their next project, a pseudo-bidet that offers a quick and easy buttocks shave, named the Dyson Downstairs Gentleman 720.
