Local psychopath opts for bagged milk
Coming to a halt in the middle of the dairy aisle and reviewing her options, local psychopath Betsy Hudson, 45, opted for bagged milk as opposed to the logically sound and psychologically stable choices of milk by jug or carton.
In doing so, this sick fuck in our midst—a wife, as well as a mother to three children—expressed to everyone around her that she is batshit crazy and should be checked into a psychiatric institution most promptly.
“I guess I just don’t understand,” fellow grocery shopper Margaret Delaney told The Daily Cardinal. “How would you even open it? And if you figured that out, how would you handle it and pour it without spilling everywhere? I just… I just don’t know what they’re trying to prove.”
The depraved middle-aged woman at the center of this specific case, who has a history of such nut-job externalizations—among them, employing the ‘under-hang’ toilet paper orientation—has long been seen by her friends and colleagues as being “just a bit off.”
“I’ve never been able to place exactly what it is about her,” Hudson’s weekly book club acquaintance Patricia Brown told the Cardinal. “The bagged milk revelation certainly supports the long-held assumption that there’s a complete psycho behind that sweet, normal facade. It really sheds light on the dark, deeply sinister place inside of her that she has clearly worked so hard to hide all these years.”
Simply grabbing a one-and-a-third liter bag of 2% milk on a biweekly trip to the grocer might seem mundane and inoffensive to the unsuspecting bystander, but the truly heinous act is scientifically linked to deep-seated issues that extend well beyond a Whole Foods or serene domicile and can manifest in a multitude of perilous forms.
“My life’s research has led me to concrete findings that three out of every five consumers of bagged milk are serial killers,” Psychopathologist Elizabeth Tambor explained to Cardinal reporters. “People who consciously purchase bagged milk over their carton or jug counterparts are monsters. These head-cases are sadistic, borderline-perverse humans who are entirely out of touch with reality and contain no empathy whatsoever for those who suffer the collateral damage of their stubborn, uneducated choices.”
Experts don’t yet know exactly where the internal damage comes from that leads to such behavior, but Tambor has confirmed that the matter is at the forefront of the psychopathological community’s agenda and that they are on the precipice of a breakthrough.
Meanwhile, both left- and right-wing politicians nationwide are pushing for legislation that will require bagged milk buyers to be registered within their neighborhoods, alerting fellow residents of this practice occurring in a space they once thought safe for their impressionable kids to play and grow.
At press time, Hudson was reaping what she sowed, forced to clean up a kitchen floor covered in milk due to a botched attempt at opening the bag of milk using scissors.
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