Brett Klinkner posed as an ordinary college student to determine which campus saloon reigns supreme. We call this little diddy “The Saloon Showdown.”
Red Rock Saloon
• Also not entirely handicap friendly, but it’s the Wild, Wild West—what’re ya gonna do?? Plus, the parking lot out back is solid for puke-and-rallying, as well as stagecoach parking.
• Bathrooms don’t contain glory holes.
• Broken down mechanical bulls get taken out back and immediately turned to glue.
• Assless chaps.
• Many Division One athletes have made appearances.
• Demons from days of Logan’s Restaurant & Bar still reside here.
• Moonshine, and that’s it!
• Bouncers respect the 2nd Amendment and the right to bear lassos, but don’t believe the solution to rampantly-increasing lasso deaths is saturating populated areas with lasso owners.
• Chasers & Hatters are around the corner.
• Tim McGraw frequents the Double-‘R.’
• Could be mistaken for whorehouse apprenticeship center.
• Prostitution very much kosher at trading post.
• Not donkey friendly. It’s 2014—enough with these antiquated anti-donkey policies and blatant, shameless discrimination.
• TVs all show Brokeback Mountain on a loop—don’t get us wrong, it’s a wonderful, vital film, but we just need our sports, ya know?
Whiskey Jacks Saloon
• Swinging saloon doors not handicap friendly, much to the chagrin of progressive lawmakers and proponents of universal design.
• Bathroom’s glory holes notably unsanitary.
• Mechanical bulls are grass-fed and sent to family farms when careers are over.
• Chapped asses.
• Many retired Little League and AAU coaches have made appearances.
• Still some guys on the roof from Elite 8 Saturday.
• Approximately 8,000 unique shots to choose from.
• Lasso-wielding bouncer isn’t ready to take no shit from a city boy like you.
• Mondays, Brats and Kollege Klub all within walking distance.
• Been known to play a Kid Rock song every now and again.
• Could be mistaken for whorehouse.
• Trading post does not include said whores.
• Speaking of posts, you can tie up your donkey out front.
• Sporting events on TVs
WINNER: Chasers Bar & Grille
