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Friday, December 08, 2023

Noah Mack


Back button for UW Student Center ‘never gonna happen’ according to Chancellor Rebecca Blank

Chancellor and technological masochist Becky Blank announced that UW-Madison’s Student Center will not be getting the back button that’s so highly sought after by the student body. The announcement occurred following this year’s class registration, a gruelingly long process made radically worse by the website’s complete lack of features or any semblance of sense. “I tried to add Econ 101 to my schedule for next semester but accidently hit Ecology 101.


Tangled headphone cable proves minor annoyance for Madison resident

In a slightly annoyed state Monday night, area-man Luke Bauer reached into his pocket and discovered that, yet again, his Bose earbuds had twisted themselves into an intricate knot. The incident—which really wasn’t a big deal—caused Bauer to sigh heavily and yank on random parts of the wire. “The entire sight was pretty relatable,” said local witness George Hartin.


By creating new bubbling drinking machine, smartass Wisconsinite proves point

Mathew Leedom, an engineer at the Wisconsin General Electric factory, developed a fully-functional bubbling drinking fountain Monday night, giving validity to the well-known “bubbler,” a slang term used to describe the hydrating machine. A 15-year veteran with GE, Leedom decided to develop the blueprint for the machine after a debate with an out-of-state coworker about the proper name for the device.


‘I’m Just a Bill’ played by White House staff following president’s 10th executive order

Late Tuesday night the famous Schoolhouse Rock song “I’m Just a Bill” was played in the Oval office for President Trump following the 10th executive order signed since his recent inauguration. White House staff members explained to reporters that although it seems Trump has ignored the legislative branch recently, it just comes down to a basic misunderstanding of the entire Democratic process. “Of course I know what checks and balances are” said Trump after being asked some basic political questions by Cardinal reporters on the scene.


Report: Mother Earth just getting hotter with age

In a recent report by the center for climate change, Mother Earth is one smoking hot planet who just gets even hotter every decade. The all-knowing mysterious woman follows a strict tanning regimen at all times, bathing in the sun’s rays and rubbing a unique combination of Dove’s new “CO2 unleashed” tanning lotion as well as L’Oréal’s Ozone explosion moisturizer.


almanac animal review: fire ant

FIRE ANT AT A GLANCE: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Super horny, very small (like really really small), has two seemingly pointless limbs on its face. CAREER GOALS: Eventually bang the queen, in the future bump uglies with the queen, reproduce with the queen, spread his genes through the queen. PRIMARY FLAWS: Only cares about work and hooking up wth the queen, can potentially be squashed by almost any human being. SPECIAL ABILITIES: Super romantic, able to lift something 20 times his body weight, has two limbs on his head which are seemingly useless but are actually very important. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Almost everywhere, in a mound of dirt, wherever he is able to reproduce. FULL REVIEW:  Back in my clubbing days I used to be a wingman for this incredible insect called a fire ant.

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