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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, December 05, 2022

Patrick Hoeppner


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THE BEET

How to use Twitter and not set off geopolitical havoc

In light of the recent developments surrounding Twitter and the global events shifted and shaped around the dialogue through its medium, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey has taken to his own medium to justify his application’s relevance in today’s global ecosystem. “The Twitter team has assembled some guidelines to using Twitter,” Dorsey tweeted Saturday, followed by a comprehensive guide to the use of the service.

THE BEET

EPA scientists using government funds to inhale computer cleaner

A recent WikiLeaks article revealed that the scientists have been using tax revenue to purchase computer cleaner, inhaling an average of ten bottles per scientist per day. “Seeing that their contributions to the government and our environment are being strategically and intentionally eroded and invalidated, it makes sense to see that our staff as a whole is succumbing to an inhalant addiction which will make as large a dent in our ozone layer as possible,” an EPA representative said at a press conference.  “Sales of computer cleaner are off the charts,” a supply chain representative of Staples said.

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