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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, February 24, 2024

How to prepare for the Christmas season

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

1. Get in the Christmas spirit by listening to same 18 songs every store will be playing for the next month.

2. Try to convince yourself that the lack of snow isn’t because of global warming and pretend that you’ll see even a flake of snow in 2048.

3. Make a New Year’s resolution that includes some form of exercising or “being healthy.”

4. After you do step 3, prepare to once again disappoint yourself by giving up on your resolution one week into 2018.

5. Start all conversations by complaining about your upcoming exams. It’s something that every college student can relate to.

6. Remember, every gift you buy is made by retail megacorps who only give 5% of their revenue to their “elves” in developing nations.

7. Remind any children you run into that Santa isn’t real. Gotta crush their hopes and dreams while they’re young.

8. Don’t forget to cry yourself to sleep at night.

9. When in doubt, skip the eggnog and drink a bottle of Jameson.

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