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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 25, 2022
Scotty P

Scott Pruitt demonstrating proper computer cleaner inhalation techniques.

EPA scientists using government funds to inhale computer cleaner

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

A recent WikiLeaks article revealed that the scientists have been using tax revenue to purchase computer cleaner, inhaling an average of ten bottles per scientist per day.

“Seeing that their contributions to the government and our environment are being strategically and intentionally eroded and invalidated, it makes sense to see that our staff as a whole is succumbing to an inhalant addiction which will make as large a dent in our ozone layer as possible,” an EPA representative said at a press conference. 

“Sales of computer cleaner are off the charts,” a supply chain representative of Staples said. “It’s good for business, but for our ozone layer… I’m not so sure.”

Al Gore was nonchalant. “I don’t really give a shit whether people choose to succumb to pointless inhalant addictions, but I just wish that they did it in ways that weren’t so impactful on our environment,” the An Inconvenient Truth star and former presidential candidate said. 

“I understand that although I was born with an IQ of 85 and have little to no qualification to enjoy the privileges associated with a government office, let alone the directorship for one of the most important agencies in the preservation of the American homeland, this issue is unacceptable and the EPA’s company policies are being altered to support it,” said EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt.

“The computer cleaner dilemma has weakened the company culture here at the EPA,” a lawyer said, “and it is unfortunate that the inhalant dilemma has weakened our resolve to fix the issues that really matter. Thankfully,” he said, as he retrieved a bottle of computer cleaner from his briefcase, “there’s an easy fix.”

“The EPA will be disbanded soon, and it’s essential that we understand that the idiots who chose to huff computer cleaner in the science lab will be the first scientists ejected from the climate science program,” Pruitt continued, as he dodged a tomato flung from the press box. “Since I’m impotent and probably infertile, I don’t really give a shit as to whether my spawn gets to enjoy our planet, since I don’t plan on procreating and further soiling the gene pool.”

“The nice part about the environment is that it’s so convenient to destroy.”

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