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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, March 02, 2024
Manual Use

Apparently, it takes an information manual to run a democracy.

“Just turn it off and back on again,” U.S. government manual advises in ungovernable details

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The government shutdown this weekend had several factions tinkering with ways to potentially remedy the government’s plights. This week’s shutdown marked the first government shutdown in the modern era where both houses of the legislature and the White House are controlled by the same party. Opponents of the shutdown pointed toward a coffee-stained governmental manual lying neglected on the dirty floor as the guide by which the government was ground to a halt. The resulting outcome was a recovered government, but imagination runs wild as to the potential outcomes which could have resulted if the government were left untended, like a leaky faucet.

The manual states the proper procedure is to shut down the government for a week, then turn it back on when law and order in rural areas reaches the brink of collapse. Automobile burnings, storefront smashings, and neighborhood-razing riots are cues to turn the government back on again.

The last government shutdown was met with only discontent, and none of the aforementioned chaos was allowed to emerge. The manual has been questioned in its credibility - hence its placement on the dirty floor, trodden by shoes of congresspeople .

“I can see why the turn-it-off-and-back-on-again methodology works for computers, cars, and heavy machinery,” Senator Mitch McConnell, the majority leader, shouted, as he waved the filthy pamphlet over his head to a silent Congressional chamber. “Those devices don’t have to worry about their reputations.

“The fact that we’ve shut down the government over a very reasonable negotiation is characteristic of the stuff we need to work on,” McConnell said. “In what other industry can employees shut down the plant, and still have their jobs when it reopens? Watching this shutdown unfold makes a case for anarchy in this country. This apathy towards government is staggering.”

“Firing everyone in the federal government at once means they’re happier with their jobs when they return. It’s like hearing that residents don’t like their living conditions in a boarding-house, kicking everyone out in the winter for a few days, then inviting the residents back in when they realize how cold it is outside.”

Mitch McConnell was observed trying to extricate a chewed piece of gum from the bootprinted pages of the pamphlet with his teeth.

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