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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 25, 2022
Twitter

The little birdie is causing global turmoil and is loving every second.

How to use Twitter and not set off geopolitical havoc

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In light of the recent developments surrounding Twitter and the global events shifted and shaped around the dialogue through its medium, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey has taken to his own medium to justify his application’s relevance in today’s global ecosystem.

“The Twitter team has assembled some guidelines to using Twitter,” Dorsey tweeted Saturday, followed by a comprehensive guide to the use of the service. The guide, Dorsey said, is designed to reach even the dumbest members of Twitter’s base, using a language that has been AI-tested to be comprehensible to users reading below a third-grade level.

1. Using Twitter to insult people is cool if you aren’t a politician.

2. Using Twitter to insult people is acceptable if you are a rapper or an athlete.

3. Twitter is meant to spread thoughts like raspberry jam across the endless expanse of the internet, therefore the dumbest, most primitive, impulsive swill that sloshes around in your half-empty cranium generally shouldn’t be shared.

4. Tweeting after two in the morning is inadvisable, but not impermissible.

5. Twitter was designed to connect people, not divide them.

6. Ideas spread through Twitter are a lot less impactful than you think. Trust us.

7. Some slanderous tweets are so vile they deserve deletion. We keep them in a special repository. We grant employees access to it on bonus day, just for fun. Don’t let your tweets go there.

8. Your impulse control deteriorates as a function of the number of hours spent on this service.

9. Your reading level deteriorates as a function of the number of hours spent on this service.

10. Go read a book, you fucking moron.

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The White House declined to comment.

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