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Sunday, September 25, 2022
The new UW dining plan is engineered to exclude several students.

The new UW dining plan is engineered to exclude several students.

UW Housing “Opulence” eating plan requires $14,000 minimum deposit

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The UW Housing directorate announced early last week that the options available to students have expanded with the addition of the “Opulence” plan to the UW dining halls. The plan, long lobbied by students and parents, includes caviar and foie gras, along with fresh-baked baguettes unavailable to students participating in the typical meal plans.

“Some of the more affluent students were complaining about the low quality of the food served to students,” a purchasing manager said. “This plan extends our culinary options to extremely expensive foods typically enjoyed only by the upper classes.”

Proponents of the plan state that the $14,000 minimum deposit, only affordable to less than 0.03 percent of UW students, will bolster economic activity and stimulate the formation of a culinary culture here on the UW campus. “We need more exclusive societies on campus that help to stratify things,” the manager said.

“We don’t agree with a hamburger culture every night,” a student employee of UW Housing said. “We’re conditioning our students to eat comfort food with fries every week and never let their taste buds explore outside their comfort zones. That’s how you create cultures of barbarism.”

Opponents of the plan state that the new diet option is cost-prohibitive and virulently exclusive. The recently announced upcoming renovation of Gordon’s, slated to begin construction in late 2018, will include a sequestered dining area exclusive to the members of the Opulence plan, complete with cloth napkins, glass pitchers of ice water and tuxedoed waiters.

“We have always made an effort to include our more affluent students,” the housing director said, “and sometimes that means creating an environment which caters to them.

“We had requests to let the members of the Opulence plan skip to the front of the checkout lines as well, but that got voted down by a lot of salty people.”

The board of UW Housing has repeatedly declined requests for interviews. It is expected that the new meal plan will go into effect next week, and the exclusive dining area will open next month. As for the nature of the culinary plan, students are eager to find out what the future has in stock.

“This should be an upgrade from the affordable fare. My tired palate can’t wait to experience only imported food all week, every week,” a junior said My credit card maxes at $20k.”

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