Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, March 02, 2024
A.G. Sessions Fish

The White House chef fried Sessions for Robert Mueller’s dinner.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions flounders under pressure, turns into fish before horrified onlookers

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was admitted into intensive aquarium care at the Baltimore Aquarium late yesterday after congressional interrogations caused a severe nervous reaction. The episode, described as, “insane,” by onlookers, caused an enormous spill of salt water as a fishtank materialized under Sessions, spilling its salinated contents over the floor of the Congressional chamber.

An awed onlooker describes the scene. “He just started turning into a fish. He couldn’t take the questions. He should have picked a stunt double to do this Congressional nonsense.”

Biologists have cited Sessions’ transmogrification as a direct correlation of exposure to the intense kinds of pressure that cause individuals to flounder – namely, the pressure regarding the concealment of immense volumes of potentially traitorous information which would have launched a burning-at-the-stake witch hunt as recently as the McCarthy era in the 1950s.

“The fact that we have a bunch of Russians turning our federal officials into fish should concern anyone,” the veterinarian said. “They’re floundering under the pressure to the degree that they’re sprouting scales, growing gills, flexing fins, and turning into sea creatures under the scrutiny of Congressional investigation.”

Scientists such as Bill Nye have confirmed the floundering epidemic as being among the resurging instances of mass floundering, the earliest being during the Spanish Inquisition and the most recent being recorded during the McCarthy trials. 

Other individuals believed to be at risk of acute floundering are Jared Kushner, Michael Flynn, and George Papadopolous. Leaked surveillance camera footage reveals Papadopolous concealing what appears to be a gill behind his left ear as he leaves a meeting with Russian diplomats, bankers, and policy advisors in early 2013. Papadopolous, predictably, claims this meeting never happened. A bandage was present behind his left ear as he gave his testimony.

Seated on a raised platform behind the congressional committee, Robert Mueller extricated a fishing pole and baited it with a vicious hook. A worm twirled on its end as he lowered it towards Sessions’ smacking mouth. “Nothing to see here, folks,” the former FBI director said, as he tempted Sessions with the hook. “He’s so in bed with the Russians he’s basically a James Bond Character.”

The Baltimore Aquarium is closed and dolphin shows were canceled following Sessions’ admission to the veterinary unit.

Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2024 The Daily Cardinal