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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, June 23, 2024

Hossein Rostam


Clinton smiles in celebration of her win against Trump for sexiest candidate.
THE BEET

Hillary Clinton voted America’s sexiest candidate

A poll of UW students has shown Hillary Clinton is considered the sexiest presidential candidate, followed closely by Gary Johnson, with Donald Trump and Jill Stein tied for third place.  This poll comes on the heels of Monday night’s presidential debate, where Donald Trump presented carefully thought-out policy decisions while Ms. Clinton presented a shiny pantsuit. “She’s lit af,” claims sophomore Abby Schmaltz, “Next Saturday.

THE BEET

Poll: Bascom Hill voted best hill on campus

Bascom Hill cruised to victory in the annual heated and controversial Best Hill competition, drubbing all other prospective hills in a sweeping victory which crushed the hopes of millions looking to celebrate the merits of other inclines and precipices. “We’ve had enough of establishment hills, establishment knolls, and establishment protuberances,” claims one supporter, who went on to claim that the Bascom Hill campaign was only able to win due to connections with big money from UW.

Daily Cardinal
THE BEET

Local student exists on higher level than peers

Sophomore and amateur sports statistician Chad Zooti spends his days inhabiting a higher stratum of consciousness, sources say.   Towering over his peers in all aspects of knowledge and intellect, Zooti has gained a following both on campus and in the Reddit channel “/r/baseball,” offering guidance on topics ranging from the illusory nature of reality, to how to beat the system, to how to get hot chicks. “His dad owns a dealership,” claims longtime friend, Ty Smiff.

News

'President Sanders' Halloween costume too extreme for average American

Bernie Sanders tops a list of shocking and controversial costume ideas for Halloween 2015, beating out Sexy Hillary, Sexy Caitlyn Jenner and Sexy European Refugee for the top spot among college students. Mr. Sander’s “socialist” designation and leftist policy proposals have been considered far outside the norm for American politics, leaving many average Americans confused and appalled as the costume choice continues to gain support over its rivals. “Every year these costumes get more and more over the top,” claims local dad Mark Frimpy.

CAMPUS NEWS

UW-Madison ranked No. 1 in higher education in Madison

U.S. News & World Report has ranked the University of Wisconsin-Madison, often informally referred to as “Madison,” the top institution of higher learning in Madison, Wis. The rankings were painstakingly compiled using rigorous criteria, including number of students, number of NCAA championships, amount of research funding (in millions) and quality of campus food carts.

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