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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Local student exists on higher level than peers

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Sophomore and amateur sports statistician Chad Zooti spends his days inhabiting a higher stratum of consciousness, sources say. 

 Towering over his peers in all aspects of knowledge and intellect, Zooti has gained a following both on campus and in the Reddit channel “/r/baseball,” offering guidance on topics ranging from the illusory nature of reality, to how to beat the system, to how to get hot chicks.

“His dad owns a dealership,” claims longtime friend, Ty Smiff. “And he’s read half the Bhagavad Gita. Twice.” 

According to his Reddit profile, Zooti first attained higher consciousness in high school, when he learned words like “therefore,” and “wherein,” using them in sentences to say things.  Since then, he has yet to find a single topic in which he does not have supreme knowledge in all aspects.

“He quotes Aristotle and gives everyone he meets nicknames based on pro athletes, then ranks their intelligence based on his own personal wins-above-replacement calculations,” explains a longtime follower.  “He promoted me to Jeff Baisley, but I used to be Jeff Bailey. My WAR is -0.3.”

In a time when many students have become disillusioned with traditional religious and political institutions, a number have found themselves rallying around Zooti to help sort out issues in an ever-changing and uncertain world. 

In a recent Reddit post, he explains in detail how all the outcomes in sports and politics are set in advance by elite interests and how stupid we all are for believing in it.

“I didn’t know I was stupid until he told me,” explains another follower. “I thought I was at least average.  Kinda sucks but he has to be right.”

Though he believes voting is a sham, Zooti will be supporting Donald Trump this November.

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