This week, images posted on a popular social network have exposed a UW student who was openly lighting a cigarette in broad daylight and smoking it on purpose. The student did not appear to be intoxicated as he stood in plain sight outside the third floor of Van Hise.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes. At first I thought his face was burning,” claims the source who took the photos, “but when I realized what it was, I just had to take a picture. It was just like seeing Bigfoot in the wild. But, not in the wild. On campus. And not Bigfoot, a guy smoking.”
The student was indeed smoking cigarettes, commonly called “cancer sticks,” as opposed to the healthier and more socially acceptable marijuana, or “ganja,” sources confirmed. Sophomore eyewitness Rob Goodi claims the student seemed to be immune to judgmental glances from both peers and superiors, stubbornly puffing away undeterred. “Dude was hardcore,” he explained as he sucked on his vaporizer. “I would never put anything like that into my body.”
The images come at a time of increased anxiety surrounding anything known to increase bowel movements and cause certain death. Just last week there was a report of a student who narrowly survived contact with secondhand smoke. “I thought I got some in,” tells the victim Dan Hooley, “so my friends rushed me to the hospital. On the way we tried to flush it out with beer, before they pumped me out in the emergency room. Then we did some shots to celebrate.”
Counseling services have been provided for anyone coping with exposure to cigarette smoke.