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"Soaked" is a rousingly introspective creative and metaphorical piece, offering a unique outlook on the significance of dreams by writer Ayomide Awosika. Creative and fictional pieces are always encouraged for submission to email@example.com.
In breaking news from Hollywood, all of their male movie stars have recently been arrested and sent to jail as a result of a plethora of crimes being committed en masse. As a result of this, every Hollywood studio has released statements to the press, begging for male stars to fill movie roles.
1. Get in the Christmas spirit by listening to same 18 songs every store will be playing for the next month.
Thanksgiving is a welcomed holiday for people all around the United States. It’s a time to reflect on the important things in life: The people who we care deeply about, the privileges and good fortunes that we take for granted, while ignoring the fact that we’re currently living on stolen land. While most of us look forward to this time of year for a well-deserved break from school and work, before stomping each others’ heads for a Black Friday deal, Poli Sci majors at UW-Madison have begun to dread it the most.
In light of the recent Texas church shooting, the topic of gun control laws has once again been brought to dinner tables just in time for Thanksgiving. While some may view this recent event as the perfect opportunity to examine our laws, and perhaps make changes, others believe it is too soon to discuss the topic openly. However, they believe that while it may be rude or inconsiderate to openly talk about gun control laws, we can still whisper about them.
Late Tuesday afternoon, The Daily Cardinal got wind of a new bill being proposed by Wisconsin state lawmakers that aims to implement abstinence-only education in publicly funded schools, ranging from elementary schools to the university level. The bill is set to redefine education in the state as a whole, not only getting rid of the currently required sex and safe-sex education, but removing the education of all currently required subjects in favor of solely teaching abstinence.
At a press conference preceding their next game, the Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, announced that the team will be changing their mascot to a humanoid potato before the current NFL season concludes. This comes as a surprise to many fans and opposers of the current team mascot, due to Snyder’s previous statements concerning the team’s current name potentially being offensive to people of Native American heritage. In 2013, Snyder wrote a deeply felt letter to fans of the team explaining that the team name would never change because of the pride, longstanding history, and tradition that the team has. In the press conference he explained his reasoning behind the decision.
In recent news, Pepsi is poised to replace Snapple as the official UW-Athletics beverage, beginning in July 2018. At a later press conference it was announced that this change comes as a part of the school’s previously unannounced diversity initiative. This news was a surprise to many UW students, who feel that Pepsi’s commercial with Kendall Jenner earlier this year shows the company’s lack of understanding concerning the current socio-political state in the U.S.
Within the past week news has surfaced exposing the prolonged relationship between local drug dealers and an astounding number of UW-Madison professors. For an undisclosed amount of years, drug dealers who sell Adderall, a medication intended for those with ADHD, have been paying professors from a variety of fields and majors to schedule their midterms and exams in a particular manner for the purpose of maximizing sales. Professors from the pre-med and engineering fields are reported to be among the largest groups complicit in the midterm gerrymandering.
In last week’s ASM meeting it was announced that the UWPD has partnered with Rave, a company that allows safety officials to respond more quickly to incidents, to create an app for UW students. The WiscGuard app, which can be found in the Apple and Google Play Stores under the name “Rave Guard,” allows UW students to report any incidents they witness, call 911 or send texts and calls to a direct non-emergency UWPD line.
Within the last week, news broke that Equifax, one of the three companies in the U.S. that holds the financial information for every person in the country with credit, had been hacked. This hack has resulted in the information of nearly 144 million Americans’ information being accessed by unknown individuals, who can now potentially ruin the financial stability of hardworking, law abiding citizens. For most people, this is a terrifying and potentially life-altering event. However, when Cardinal staffers reached out to someone we thought had been affected by the hack we discovered that it may be a godsend for some.After we initially made contact with local Madison man Paye Ein Billes, his legal name, not a pseudonym, he told us that the hack has allowed him to “live [his] best life.” When pressed further he told us, “Once I found out about the hack I had an ingenious idea. What if I make a bunch of credit cards and live my life to the fullest, you know? I’ve paid off my student loans, bought myself the most lavish meals in Madison, copped myself a bunch of clothes on State Street.”He continued, “I even bought that one blender and those socks from Walmart I’ve always wanted. You know, living live to the fullest! Then after I max them all out, I call my bank and say someone from the hack must have made these and I get off scot free!”When we pointed out that paying off his student loans and only buying things at stores he frequents in the city he was born and raised in would be very suspicious, he quickly responded, “Nah, man. Don’t worry about it, it’s foolproof. I bought the blender when I was at my bud’s place in Middleton last week. There’s no way they’ll know it was me.”The last email received from Billes detailed attempts to raise legal fees on Go-Fund-Me.
In breaking news, UW-Madison freshman, Faye Lure has dropped out of classes for the semester, citing the outage of the university’s campus-wide wifi as the cause of her decision. She claims that the lack of connectivity to the internet has caused an unnatural disconnection between herself and her generation’s love of using picture or gif templates as coping mechanisms or as a response to current events. The Daily Cardinal reached out to her concerning her allegations.“Moving to campus has been a very stressful thing for me, you know? Having to move downtown from the suburbs of Middleton has been a drastic change for me. And yeah, I know they are only a few miles away, but I just feel so far from everyone I know and love.”She continued, “I haven’t been able to Skype my family or check Canvas for class updates, but most importantly, I haven’t been able to keep up with the trending memes. I didn’t even know about the Ted Cruz twitter incident until HOURS after it happened. Can you even imagine how hard it is to live like this?”Cardinal reporters later informed Lure’s professors of the situation to which they expressed great concern, some even moved to tears. Her biology professor stated, “Had we been informed of this student’s predicament sooner we could most definitely have accommodated for her needs. We fully understand that some students need memes of the dankest degree in order to properly process and understand class content and worldly news. In response to this myself, as well as some of her other teachers, are planning on fully integrating memes into our curriculum. I’m even allotting the first and last five minutes of class to browsing Twitter’s trending topics and Reddit’s blackpeopletwitter.”After Faye learned of this change in class curriculum she reached out to the Cardinal to inform us that she would be attempting to return to classes in the fall semester, but the internet outage has so far not allowed her to do so. She has gone to DoIT, but so far they have instructed her to turn her computer on and off again.When Cardinal staffers learned of her predicament, they all pitched in to a GoFundMe fundraiser in the hopes that Faye can get a new unlimited data plan and browse dank memes in her time of need.As of the publication of this article DoIT has not yet responded to the Cardinal’s numerous requests for comments.
Late Tuesday night, every student enrolled in Mechanical Engineering 201: Introduction to Mechanical Engineering received an email from their professor with the class syllabus attached. The syllabus outlined the criteria for grades, the dates of their five midterms and most importantly their assignments for the semester, the first of which piqued the interest of the majority of students. Concerning this assignment their professor wrote: “Due Friday, September 8th, every student enrolled in this course must prepare a list of sentences discussing the difficulty of this class and their engineering major in its entirety. Students must be prepared to answer any question, statement or comment (directed to them or otherwise) pertaining to difficulty of any variety with a swift rebuttal about how hard their classes and majors are. “There will be no volunteers; students will be chosen at random. Failure to complete the assignment will result in removal from class and expulsion from the School of Engineering.”After receiving news of this, the Cardinal reached out to incoming mechanical engineering major Ken G. Neer who seemed more than up to the task.“My brother told me it would be difficult, but I never imagined being an engineering major would be this difficult.” He continued, “I mean, classes haven’t started yet and we already have an assignment. What other majors have to deal with stuff like this?” When asked if he was prepared to be randomly selected he replied, “I didn’t sleep a wink last night; I’ve just been working on this assignment.”When Cardinal reporters later mentioned this to the course’s professor, he seemed proud, saying, “That kid, Ken, is going to go far in this world. That kind of dedication and it isn’t even day one yet?” He continued, “Also, this isn’t in the syllabus, but their final project is going to be my students versus the pre-med kids. Whoever complains the most throughout the semester gets a better curve on their final exam.”
Early Thursday morning a UW-Police officer discovered a SOAR student wandering the halls of the labyrinthine Humanities Building. The officer entered the building after receiving reports of a Bigfoot-like creature wandering the halls. The Cardinal reached out to the officer, Paul B. Lart.The cop said, “I found him in the bathroom drinking water from a toilet bowl. There was a water bubbler right down the hall, poor guy. Being in a building like this ... does something to a person’s mind. Heck, I almost mistook a painting of a water bubbler for the real thing.”The Humanities building, known for its hideous exterior, is also ironically, the second home to art majors on the UW campus. Its interior design seems to follow no logical pattern in terms of room placement and numbers, which leads to many unfortunate students becoming trapped in its halls. Even the architects who designed the building have been found wandering aimlessly months after its construction.While it’s not rare for SOAR students, or even freshmen, to be found wandering the halls of the Humanities building, this student set an unprecedented record for time spent missing in the maze-like building. Normally UWPD finds the students by the end of their freshman year. The UWPD Chief, Kristen Roman, expressed some concern.“This raises some alarming issues,” she said. “How many more students are still wandering those halls, trying to find their way out? We want to send a search party, but we lost contact with the last group we dispatched in there. It’s been two months since we last heard from them.”When asked if he would consider volunteering to take part in a search party Officer Lart said, “There’s no way they’re sending me back in there. I’m considering going back to the simple life of being a mall cop after all this.”The SOAR student could not be reached for any questions, but our sources tell us he’s planning to begin his art history major in the upcoming fall semester.
Earlier this week, Suge Knight came forward with breaking news concerning the murder of hip-hop legend Tupac Shakur in 1996. He alleges that his ex-wife, Sharitha, and the Death Row security chief, Reggie White, are the culprits in the murder of Shakur. Knight has also stated that he believes he was the target of the murder attempt and Tupac was simply in the way.Following the release of these allegations, Hologram Tupac, first revealed in 2012, has come forward to testify at Knight’s upcoming trial concerning murder and attempted murder charges. When Cardinal staffers asked this digitally fabricated Tupac about his sudden decision, he simply replied, “I didn’t choose the court life, the court life chose me.”When we followed up by asking how a hologram like himself planned on entering the courtroom, he described a technique using reflective glass that would make him appear 3-D. As he described this technique, referred to as “Pepper’s Ghost,” he emphasized that he was not a hologram.Upon further questioning, Hologram Tupac refused to comment on whether the real Tupac Shakur was alive or not, but continued to say that he would not tell us the content of his future testimony because “Snitches get stitches.” When we brought up that his testimony in court would be considered snitching by the laws of the playground, he disintegrated into little bits of light signifying the end of the interview.Suge Knight and his lawyers declined to comment.
It’s now nearing that oh-so-special time of year and you need to make it the best Valentine’s Day possible. Right now you feel the need to outdo every other human being in order to prove that you love/care for a particular person, despite the fact that you show your love every other day of the fucking year. Well, if you’re stuck in this predicament and are looking for a great way to avoid contributing to the capitalist machine that just wants to drain you of your money, you’ve come to the right place! With these three easy tips you can become a Valentine’s Day champion, without breaking the bank!Tip #1: Don’t reserve a date at their favorite restaurant.While some might say to reserve a date weeks, maybe even months in advance, don’t do that. That’s a beginner’s move. The best course of action is to tell them you have reserved a date at their favorite restaurant and wait in line with them. It gives you a great conversation topic with them before and after you get dismissed by the host. Before you leave the restaurant make sure to argue with the host as much as humanly possible. Do not back down, assert that you did, in fact, make a reservation. That will show them you’re serious. Do not leave until your partner requests that you do so. Then you can go to McDonald’s and have a cheap dinner while blaming the restaurant for not properly reserving a table for you on their busiest day of the year. This tactic will only work once per partner.
In a shocking development, Wisconsin legislators announced that beginning on Feb. 29, 2017, dogs of all breeds will be able to open carry on the UW-Madison campus. In line with current Wisconsin carry laws, these dogs will not need a permit to purchase and open carry a firearm. However, they will need to wait two days before they can pick up their weapon.While many legislators see the new law as a huge advance in dog liberty, some students expressed concern. Samantha Knobby, a lifelong Wisconsin resident and student at UW-Madison told reporters “I’m not really sure why this bill is even a thing. I mean, why would a dog even need a gun? I don’t even think they could pull the trigger.”In response to the critiques, Wisconsin State Senator Richard P. “Trigger-happy” Ennis, who drafted the legislation and spearheaded the movement to get it passed within the current session, held a press conference explaining the dire need for the law. He explained that the existing laws prohibiting dogs from possessing weapons “violates every American dog’s god-given right to defend themselves from real and perceived threats.” He concluded his appearance by announcing that he had an appointment with his loyal golden retriever, Shooter, to visit their local gun shop and then go on a peaceful and safe walk down University Avenue.Other legislators also communicated various levels of support for the new law. Some Republican state senators voiced concern over including dog breeds that were considered dangerous, like affenpinschers and beaucerons, in the bill, but overall there was considerable approval for the new measure.At press time, university biologists were studying the mass emigration of stray cats from the UW-Madison campus.
Do you have a hard time matching with people on Tinder? Has your mother told you she’s worried she’ll never have grandchildren? Well, worry no more, because the good folks at Tinder have come up with a new way to meet the love of your life. With the new TindIRL app you can now meet potential online partners, in person!
First, try to scrub your skin of the darkness, the tar, that seems to have soaked itself into your pores. You’re young, but have realized that all the kids at school treat you differently. They’ve called you dirty, black. There must be something wrong with you, because your teachers have never told them to stop. Scrub until it hurts, then continue until tears start to stream down your face. Your cries will call your mother’s attention to the bathroom as she tries to calm you.