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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, May 29, 2023

Hollywood depleted; as jail cells fill, male stars are needed

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In breaking news from Hollywood, all of their male movie stars have recently been arrested and  sent to jail as a result of a plethora of crimes being committed en masse. As a result of this, every Hollywood studio has released statements to the press, begging for male stars to fill movie roles.

One statement from Universe Pictures reads: “In light of a mass incarceration of male Hollywood stars this past weekend, we are currently on the lookout for new male acting talent. While we typically have talent agencies find us potential stars, we are currently accepting literally anyone; your uncle Joe, that hot guy down the street, and yes, even you reading this right now. You don’t even have to be a male, we’ll add a beard in post. Some necessary qualifiers, like respect of others’ bodily autonomy and a pulse are required.”

The most surprising of all the studios is Walt Disney Studios, which has decided to recast the entirety of the Star Wars movies “just-in-case.” In a press release they stated, “We have made the extremely difficult decision to recast and reshoot the entire Star Wars series. If we are unable to find any suitable candidates, we are heavily considering using finger puppets. While we do understand that some fans may be upset about our redaction of the Star Wars legacy, we hope that they understand that finger puppets actually respect people.”

Hollywood insiders have told the Cardinal that many studios are likely to follow Disney’s lead to cast solely female actresses and cutting edge technology, like finger puppets.

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