Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, May 29, 2023
Bill - Stuff

He’s just a bill, yeah he’s only a bill. And he’s getting rid of your education. Thanks, bill.

Wisconsin government soon to pass abstinence-only legislature

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Late Tuesday afternoon, The Daily Cardinal got wind of a new bill being proposed by Wisconsin state lawmakers that aims to implement abstinence-only education in publicly funded schools, ranging from elementary schools to the university level. The bill is set to redefine education in the state as a whole, not only getting rid of the currently required sex and safe-sex education, but removing the education of all currently required subjects in favor of solely teaching abstinence.

This particular bill is being pushed by one particular lawmaker, Jack Soff, father of seven, who believes the implementation of this bill will lead to lowering the risk of unwanted pregnancies and the transferring of STDs among all Wisconsinites. 

“I have no doubt in my mind that if we get rid of education as we know it, the amount of people having unprotected sex will decline rapidly. A study published last year by a completely unbiased researcher found that if people never learn about sex, then there’s no way they could possibly have it.” Mr. Soff said, “As a matter of fact, if they never learn how to read, write, or do any critical thinking, then there’s no way they can learn how to use the internet to find out about it. It’s a foolproof plan, really.”

Other supporters of the bill were quoted saying, “It’s so stupid that it just might work.”

Many students at UW have expressed concern about the ability to finish their majors should the bill pass, leading Cardinal staffers to contact the Dean of Students Office. Department director, Mei Jore, responded, saying, “Should the bill pass, all UW majors, past and present, will be made null and void effective immediately. Every professor’s position will be revoked and students will be required to attend a daily class at 8:50 AM to discuss how to not have sex.”

While many students are dismayed at the possibility that their major in college may be null and void within the next few months, president of the student organization No Sex Out Loud, In Quiet, or At All (NSOLIQoAA), Coi Tus, was elated. “Finally,” she exclaimed, “I’m glad I’ll finally be able to impose my celibacy on others.”

Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2023 The Daily Cardinal