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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 09, 2023

Adderall dealers pay professors for best midterm scheduling

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Within the past week news has surfaced exposing the prolonged relationship between local drug dealers and an astounding number of UW-Madison professors. For an undisclosed amount of years, drug dealers who sell Adderall, a medication intended for those with ADHD, have been paying professors from a variety of fields and majors to schedule their midterms and exams in a particular manner for the purpose of maximizing sales. Professors from the pre-med and engineering fields are reported to be among the largest groups complicit in the midterm gerrymandering.

Once news broke, Cardinal staffers reached out to renowned biology professor Dr. Ogas concerning her involvement with the adderall dealers. “I honestly think this situation is being blown out of proportion.” She continued, “It was clearly outlined in my syllabus that we would be getting hands-on experience with Adderall and the biological effects it has on the student’s body.” 

While attempting to find answers and motives to the collusion between professors and drug dealers one economics professor involved with the incident took it upon himself to explain why he partook in the scheme. “It’s basic economics, really. There’s supply and demand. If we space out our exams in the correct manner we increase the amount of students who need Adderall, then the drug dealer union can increase their price as necessary.” He continued, “One of my masters students is actually the one that came up with the whole scheme. You have to pay for grad school somehow and the point of getting a major is to get a well-paying job with it, right?”

While many professors, like Dr. Ogas, have been handling the situation nonchalantly, much of the student body has not been happy with the surfacing of this news. One student in particular, Adele Ral, has been particularly outspoken concerning the subject. “When I was accepted to UW-Madison, I came with the understanding that my drugs would be of decent quality and would be affordable. It is appalling to me to think that my dealer, who ‘saved the good stuff just for me,’ would be up charging me along with everyone else. I thought what we had was special, you know?”

Many of the legal studies professors have declined to comment on the situation, citing the fifth amendment, or as they put it “pleading the fif.”

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