SAN DIEGO—The streets of San Diego were teeming last weekend as attorneys from across the country united behind a valuable cause: the rock band U2’s upcoming album, How to Reassemble an Atomic Bomb.
Citing its crisp, hoppy flavor and innately superior coloration, American white nationalists, commonly known as the “alt-right” (and most accurately known as neo-Nazis) declared Tuesday that American pale ale is the official beverage of choice for those wishing to undermine establishment politics and reinstate a dominative American master race. Richard Spencer, a prominent white nationalist and long-time pale ale drinker, spoke to The Daily Cardinal following the announcement.
WASHINGTON STATE—Despite the widespread celebration of President Barack Obama’s re-election last night, one notable cabinet member, Hillary Diane Meriwether Jehoshaphat Rodham Clinton, was far too busy to spend the evening clinking drinks. After decades of moving, grooving, schmoozing, bruising and bamboozling her way up the political ladder, America’s slightly beloved Secretary of State is finally poised to make her move. “This is it.
Scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration have definitively concluded their search for a life-sustaining planet after realizing that Earth itself met all of their requirements with flying colors, deeming their intergalactic search redundant and, frankly, quite silly. According to research scientist Elisa Quintana, the real kicker is that, given their own existence, they should’ve realized Earth is life-sustaining long, long ago. “Astonishing,” she says, “that we spent so many years in the lab ‘pouring over deep-space models, eating, defecating and making love’ without ever connecting their inherently lively activities to other biotic life right here on Earth.” “It’s like losing your glasses,” said Dr. Paul Hertz, director of NASA’s astrophysics division.
Following the Catholic tradition of priests washing the feet of their followers, Meryl Kilgore, a life-long Catholic, expressed her frustration with the low-quality foot bath she received from the Pope. Kilgore, who intentionally did not clean her feet prior to being visited by the Pope, had accumulated a week’s worth of sweat and grime all over her toes, and expected that they would be thoroughly cleaned during the ceremony. “Fer a man in charge of the holy feckin’ Vatican you’d think he’d a done a half decent job a cleanin’ ma tootsies,” said Kilgore in a thick Irish accent. Most of the other church-goers, including famous musician Andrew Hozier-Byrne, gratefully accepted the symbolic gesture of equality and brotherhood from the church’s highest priest. Mrs. Kilgore’s daughter, Mary, spoke to Cardinal reporters (from the paper, not the Vatican) about her mother’s ungracious response to the Pontiff’s gesture. “Part of me agrees with ol’ Mr. Pope on this one.
Mr. Alfred Manac 2142 Vilas Hall, 821 University Avenue, Madison, WI firstname.lastname@example.org | (608) 262-8000 Education University of Wisconsin- Madison Bachelor of Masters of Doctors of Science, best by: May 2018 Major: Geometry (Post-Euclidian) Certificates for: Participation, Orange Peeling Semi-Cumulative Self-Reported GPA: 4.0; Jimmy Dean’s List (3 Semesters Primary Qualifications · Standing vertical jump of 18 inches (45.72 centimeters) · Able to whistle every melody from Neil Diamond’s 1969 hit album Touching You, Touching Me · Over 10,000 neural pathways · Personable and outgoing · Lifelong connoisseur of fine Egyptian linens and canned beer Criminal Exploits · Murder Convictions: 0 (.5) · Most Recent Felonies: Loitering, littering, laddering, liberding · No shoplifting convictions · Except for that one time · Please don’t tell Family History · Grandmother was a strong German woman with a penchant for drinking and the strongest forearms east of Berlin · Grandfather was a sailing man · Descendent of Adam and/or Eve · Family tree is a Lodgepole Pine, family shrub is Witch Hazel · Spent childhood roaming the plains of the Blackfoot River in Montana, where I learned to fly fish and frolicked with all of God’s creatures.
Trevor McIntyre, 33, of Fond du Lac, Wis., was pulled over and issued a DUI late Wednesday night after his vehicle was spotted swerving wildly on State Highway 41.