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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Senator Hillary Clinton sets eyes on 2016 presidential election bid

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

WASHINGTON STATE—Despite the widespread celebration of President Barack Obama’s re-election last night, one notable cabinet member, Hillary Diane Meriwether Jehoshaphat Rodham Clinton, was far too busy to spend the evening clinking drinks.

After decades of moving, grooving, schmoozing, bruising and bamboozling her way up the political ladder, America’s slightly beloved Secretary of State is finally poised to make her move.

“This is it. Our time has come. Ready the cannons, ready the tour bus, ready my Long Island iced tea—in four years we ride,” Clinton wrote to one staffer via an incredibly convenient and probably-not-illegal Yahoo mail account. 

For those who know important, hard to know things, Clinton’s fervid demeanor following Obama’s second election does not come as a surprise. Clinton has supposedly been plotting her path to the presidency since she was a small girl watching her father make draperies out of the skin of his enemies.

Former President and indentured servant Bill “Slick Willie” Clinton is also preparing for the 2016 election. 

After his removal from office, Bill Clinton was federally mandated to take a number of harassment training courses before entering the White House grounds again. He’s been working with a personal tutor to finish these courses, and is on track to finish by 2014.

Whatever jubilee or frustration Americans are feeling after Obama’s re-election last night, one thing is clear: Hillary Clinton is on the last leg of her life-long path to glory and offices shaped like toilets. As long as Mr. Clinton and Mr. Obama continue to do their jobs like the good little boys everyone knows they are, Secretary Clinton won’t be answering phones and making appointments for anyone but herself come 2016. 

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